Stuck

I am currently in a sticky situation. I accepted a job offer and now they seem to be a bit sketchy. I’ve got an unsettling gut feeling that I should back out, but can’t seem to. I tried to let the lady down easy, but she is not accepting my resignation. Now I’m in too deep to back out. Not quite sure what to do.

I think I am just going to fulfill my last duties and then pull out. I really don’t feel comfortable continuing with this job. They are out of state and they only want to converse via text, and their number keeps changing. See? Really sketchy and unsettling to continue. The only thing is they have invested in me a little bit, so I can’t back out now. I’ll wait another day.

Ugh! Why can’t I just say no? I mean, come on! Haven’t I learned my lesson already? Not saying “no” has gotten me into so many jams. I hate that I feel the need to please everybody. It’s so stupid and such a waste of my time. Geez… This is just one more jam I’ve gotten into because of it. ARG!

Anyways, I thought I’d let you guys know what is going on in my miserable life. I will sign off now and wish you all a goodnight.

Sleep… Why do you hide?

Oh my gosh… I probably had the most productive day in a while. I went to town this morning then went on a 5 hour ride with my dad on his Harlley. When we got back, we went to dinner with some family friends until 8 pm. I thought I’d be exhausted, but I can’t SLEEP!

The reason I probably can’t sleep is because I have been sleeping for five days straight. My mom thinks it’s probably because my liver is still healing and my vacation was not all that relaxing. So I am also catching up on the sleep i should have gotten. Boring, but apparently necessary.

I’m also stressing about going to live with my aunt. I don’t know how long I’ll be there, but at least a few months. With that in mind, I will have to get a job in order to continue to feed Noble. I’m a little nervous, but still looking forward to it. I need to get out of this house. I just keep falling back into a dark place.

Going Back To Work

Tomorrow is my first day back at work. I’m worrying about it of course, but I am itching to get back to work. To feel the exhaustion and sore muscles after hard day’s work. There is nothing like it… And I love it.

My employers are awesome and extremely supportive, so I’m not too worried about being picked on for taking two and a half weeks off work. I am worried about the questions about why I was in the hospital. But I’ve got vague answers figured out that will hopefully satisfy them.

I finally have my routine sorted out again, which brings me to another topic. While I was in the hospital, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). That is why I have to have my day planned down to the minute and can’t be changed. If it does get changed, I have a panic attack.

They also believe that I am on autism spectrum. I don’t think I am, but apparently I show a lot of signs. OCD being one of them. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that, but I haven’t been diagnosed with it so I don’t have to worry. Yet…

It’s not that I don’t want to be diagnosed autistic, but rather it would bring a whole view of myself. I don’t think I can handle one more thing to cope with right now. I don’t think I am severely autistic, but it would make sense why I have issues in social settings. Maybe it’s not just my anxiety. Maybe the anxiety is caused by the autism.

Anyways, I just wanted to get some things off my chest before I tried to sleep. Most likely I will be laying awake all night with my racing thoughts. I will try to sleep nevertheless. So… Goodnight everybody!

Support Groups

My follow up appointment went fine. It was just getting me into the system. There is a long waiting list to get a therapist or psychiatrist, so I’ve got to find something to help me cope until then. Guess what it is? Support groups.

I have never gone to a support group, and the only thing I know about them is what I have seen in the movies. You know… You sit in a big room at church in a circle and tell your story to people. I have gone to two group so far and I like them.

They are very chill and we sit in a room with couches and talk. It starts out with telling how you are feeling today, and then we start talking about a topic. Today’s topic was radical acceptance. It is mainly about how you need to accept who you are with your issues, without feeling shameful.

That is something I definetly need to work on. I am really nervous about going to work because of all the questions. My brother-in-law told everybody that I have been in the hospital because I was having a lot of seizures. It’s not a lie because I was originally admitted because I was having my non-epileptic seizures due to the stress of me being suicidal. And me having a plan that I intended on following through with.

Anyways, I am SO ready to get back to work. My emploers have been so awesome and were willing to give me a month off if I needed it. They were very adamant that I do not need to worry about work, and just need to get better. I’m not 100% yet, but I intend to stick it out until I am. I am not someone who can just sit around the house. I have to do something.

Frustrations

Ugh… I am so frustrated with life at the moment. My stupid headache won’t go away and I have to wait till wednesday to get a change in presription. I am having to take off a lot of work because of it and my paycheck is getting smaller and smaller.

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs with no judgement. My family is moving and plan to be out of here by the end of the week. So, I’ll be left alone at the house till the end of February or I get my own place. I’m hoping for the latter, but I don’t know if I trust myself.

I’m not in a good place right now. With this crap going on in my head all the time, I’m leanig towards ending it all. At the same time, I am still able to pull myself from th edge. But it’s becoming a daily battle.

I am gonna have to tell my doc… ugh. I hate admitting to this stuff. I feel so weak…

Missing Work… Again

Aww yes…. The wonderful world of chronic pain. Having to take multiple days off work, which causes a shortage of funds in my bank account. It’s stupid and unfair. The worst thing is that my boss thinks that I’m just bailing on work because I’ve called in sick for “just” a headache.

What most people don’t understand is that I have a headache¬†every¬†day. So, sometimes, my headaches get so bad that I can’t walk. Other days, I am just third of pushing through my regular headaches, so I stay home and get some much needed rest.

My anxiety prevents me from getting the rest I need because I’m too busy worrying about what my boss thinks…. All in all, I don’t win either way. If you didn’t pick up on it by now, I am currently incapacitated at home. I have made the stupid decision to sit down and stare at a screen that aggravates my headache.

Right now, this is the only thing I can think of to help me work through my anxieties. Why not share my misfortunes with people that might actually understand, right? People say that they can’t imagine living day to day with constant pain. So, they don’t even bother. Seems kind of backward to me, but whatever… So be it.

Hate It When I’m Busy

Yet again… I forgot to write last week. I really don’t like it when that happens. I don’t like it when my routine is broken. Nevertheless, it has. Therefore, I have to make a new routine to fit all of my activities into one day. 

I have a dog training class mondays and then take Noble to a store to train right after work. So, I’m out till 5 and then I take a shower, eat, and then sleep. That is all I have time for. I really wish the day was longer just two hours longer would be fantastic. But that isn’t gonna happen anytime soon.

I had my work Christmas party Friday. It was a lot of fun and I accidentally got buzzed. I ordered a virgin Shirley temple, but waitress was so busy that she gave me an alcoholic one. I didn’t notice it until I was two drinks in and felt all warm and fuzzy. My boss will laugh so hard when he hears that my sister and I got buzzed… oh I can hear the jokes already.

I am strung out extremely thin on everything. I got just about everybody I know Christmas presents. That is until I got a text from an old high school friend that they want to do a secret santa thing. I told her I can’t afford it and she said I could make something. I said that I don’t have time and she laid on the guilt… at least she tried. I don’t feel bad because I got everybody I love and care about presents already. Oh well…

Anyways, I will try my best to keep up on posts, but the holidays are keeping me busy. I’ve got some awesome news to share, but I will have tell you guys later because it will be a long post. Love you guys and happy holidays!

Here more about Noble’s progress at Noble Devotion