Yup… I was hospitalized again after 2 years of… Coping. I was extremely suicidal


Before Hospital

and made an appointment with my primary doc. Next thing I know, I’m having multiple seizures and admitted to the hospital. I was in the local hospital for a day, and then shipped two hours away to a psychiatric hospital.

I have been there for the past ten days. Most people think that being in a psychiatric ward is hell and that they would do anything to not be sent there. But I needed to be there, and it actually helped me get better. I slept for three days straight and then I hid from the other patients for four days.

I finally came out and ate a meal with a fellow human, and I actually enjoyed the interaction. Before I knew it, I was putting a puzzle together with a vetran, hippie, fellow teen, and a mama. We laughed and made fun of eachother, and helping eachother make it in that place.

Sadly, I only got to hang with them for two days before I was discharged. I am


After Hospital

actually greiveing their company. You have a special bond with the people you meet in there because they know exactly what you’re going through. We are all in the same boat.

Anyways, I haven’t been posting because I haven’t had any access to a computer… Or Wifi. Now I’m back and I will have plenty to write about. I have to take some more time off work to figure out where to go from here.


Doing What I Do

Well… I forgot that I’m taking my ACT tomorrow until I got my reminder. Now I am stressing. Then I found out that the same weekend I’m getting my puppy, Noble, some of my family is going to be staying with us for a big conference that we are all going to. Yeah… Now I’m really stressing.

It will be a change to get used to having a puppy in the house again and having to potty train and everything. I do not want there to be a chance that I won’t have an escape. I’m not sure how that first weekend is gonna go. I have a feeling that I will have a mental breakdown or two… And me crying myself to sleep at night.

I’m not looking forward to it. Really truly. I intend on going to this conference, but probably for only part of it. The conference is going to last from the 23rd to the 25th, and they last the whole day. They are cut into three sections during the day, so I will probably only have a chance to go to one. I don’t want to leave Noble in a kennel all day.

Although, he will mainly be in his kennel for the next month during potty training. He will also have a limited access to water… I am gonna have to “puppy proof” the house… Again. Oh but I cannot wait. The day could not come sooner. I need a dog. I do not do well without a dog. Whether it be a service dog or just a pet. I just have to have that relationship.

I have some last minute studying to do, so I should probably get to it. I will probably just be skimming through the bullet points on how to strategically work through the problems. Ugh… I love taking tests, but I do not like it when they sneak up on me… AT ALL.

Not Feeling So Hot

Seriously? Why can’t a break from all the crap of… Life? I woke up this morning feeling awesome and ready to conquer the world. After a few hours at work, my head exploded. Not literally. Only in the sense that it felt like it did. I got an instant migraine and it hit me hard.

I have lived with migraines/headaches for the past decade, but I have never had it this bad. I had instant sensitivity to light, sound, and smells. I also had extremely terrible vertigo. It so bad that I had my sunglasses and noise-canceling headphones on as I’m walking around trying not to throw up.

We were standing some moderately heavy boards with mildly pungent stain today… It was killing me. The stain was making me dizzy while also dealing with vertigo. I was trying to prevent my having to lift my arms above my head, but I I couldn’t wait any longer when the bottom of the drying racks were full.

Due to the experience I have living with migraines, I was still able to manage working a full ten hour day. I actually couldn’t believe I did, but when you are too busy trying to keep your stomach contents down, you stop caring what time it is. So, her I am at home… Still feeling like crap.

I am going to bed at six tonight because I hope this migraine will pass by the time 4:30 am comes around. I don’t know if I can get to sleep despite all the sleeping medication, but I might as well try. I’m really tired of this… It is a never ending cycle of constant pain in every way and form. I’m getting pretty discouraged…

Memory Stations

After my TBI when I was eight, I had to develop habits in order to remember things. I didn’t have much of a short term memory to rely on for the four years after the accident. It was so bad that when people were telling me to write something down, I couldn’t remember it long enough to put the word down on paper. So, I had to take it one… Letter… At… A time.

One of the habits I picked up was to always check for stuff that I put down before leaving the place that I was sitting. Took a lot of repetition, but now it’s second nature to check. The second habit (and probably the most important) is my memory station. 

Now this can be anything from a bench by the door, backpack, purse, or a box. The memory station is where I keep everything that I will need to have when I go somewhere. Naturally, my backpack was my memory station when I was in school. If I ever have anything that I will need to take with me, I put it immediately in my memory station. I have to do right when I’m thinking about it, or I will forget to put it in and then not have it when I leave.

Since I have a new job, I have new things that I have to take with me to work. So, I went and got myself a basket that I can fit everything in for work. That includes my roller pole, lunch box, sunscreen, gloves, mask, protein bar, waterbottle, and I think a few more things. 

I personally believe that everyone should develop these habits. My sister left her phone places more often than I did because she never checked to see if she put it down on the bench. My little brother always forgets something at home whether it be homework or his lunch because he didn’t put it all in one (constant) place. 

These habits have made my life so much easier and it would probably make life a breeze for “normal” people. It’s  funny how sometimes we end up with a positive effect from a terrible situation. I just thought I’d share this because I truly believe that those who don’t already know about it, could benefit from these tools.

Another Opportunity

The secretary at my high school was a humongous part in my surviving my sophomore year of high school. She would drag me to the office and stick me in chair where she could see me when I was having an epsiode. Due to how involved she was, she knew my entire struggle and all the details. She was like my second mom at school. She took fantastic care of me and took time out of her day to do so. 

Well, my little bro took his drive test yesterday so we took him to school at about eleven o’clock. I made the mistake of waiting in the car while my mom checked him in and everything. I decided to go inside after 15 minutes of waiting. I went in and, as I suspected, she was talking to the secretary. But it turns out that it was for a good reason.

I had a TBI when I was eight years old which is the cause of all my problems I have today. Turns out that the secretary’s daughter had a TBI two years ago, but they didn’t discover it until a year later. Now she is struggling with the typical side effects of poor memory, high distractibility, depression, anxiety, headaches, and trouble sleeping. The secretary was asking my mom what I do to help remember stuff. 

She told her a few things, but I have so many that are now second nature to me. So, I am going to go into the school to offer my services in the advice area. I have had ten years of experience in surviving a day to day life with TBI and have picked up a few skills along the way. I have also discovered some fantastic apps that relieve some stress about having to remember stuff in class. I’m really excited because I have been wanting to do this forever, but our small town has absolutely no resources, but I intend on creating some.

Opportunities and PAIN

I apologize for not writing. I have been fighting a massive migraine for the past week and just haven’t been well enough to sit and look at a screen. It has eased up enough for me to write today, but yesterday it was so bad that the eye that the pain was behind, was a bit swollen. It was crazy. Nothing was working. I was throwing up up all night last night, but after I took some more meds and stomached some food, it eased up a bit.
Anyways… What has been going on? Well, let’s see. Last weekend, my old church had a prophetic conference and I was able to donate some money for girls in the Philippines. It was a great opportunity. And it was so good to see my old church family and see all the little guys all grown up.

One of the littles one, named J, was about 4 when we left and now she is eight years old. Because I haven’t seen her in so long, she has never met Keen. So, she went home and asked her mama about Keen and what he does. That was when her mama got the idea to have me talk to J’s class about service dogs. I am really excited about it. Little kids are my forte and it has always been really easy for me to explain about service dogs to them. They actually listen.

I also have my sister’s wedding on Friday and I am going to sign their marriage license. I also got a dress for their wedding and Keen is going to be wearing a bow tie. Hopefully it will all go well and we will be able to enjoy ourselves. We are having family coming from out of town, so everyone is stressing about where everyone is going to stay. Ugh… I am going to elope when I get married. I hate the hassle. It’s not really worth it in my opinion.

I just really hope that this migraine doesn’t ruin the rest of the week. I have the wedding and then my presentation to the second grade class. And then I have a surprise birthday party for my bestie next weekend and then a graduation then next and another one the next weekend. Ugh… This is turning out to be a very busy month. I don’t like it.

18 Years Old Today!

I can’t believe that I am eighteen! I honestly never thought I would make it this far. To go along with all the trials of this year, there have been many breakthroughs. First with me getting truck, then my liscense, then finding out that Keen is actually a good dog, and then graduating from high school. 

I look at this list and remember when I thought it was impossible. One more thing to add to the list is the fact that I never ever EVER in my life thought that I would be a full time groomer. I have been doing it for a year now and am getting much more confident in it. 

I’m gonna keep this post short because I had a big lunch and need a nap.