Long Time…

It has been a crazy long time since I’ve last posted. I have not been doing very well. I have been in and out of the hospital for the past three months. I made several attempts and got a bogus diagnoses. That diagnoses then sent into suicidal thoughts, which I followed through with.

Now I have damaged relationships to fix and have no idea how to do so. How am I supposed to deal with other people’s feelings when I don’t even understand my own. My therapist is pretty sure I’m bipolar and have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

This post will probably be a short one. I need to get my thoughts together. I’m a little flighty and I’m actually surprised I sat down and wrote a post. Anyways… Bear with me. I’m trying to get back to my routine.

Struggling

I am still really struggling… It appears that I’ve been released from the State Hospital too soon. I have relapsed. I went to my second doctor’s appointment and ended up having one of my episodes. In my delirium afterwards, I had confessed my plans to commit suicide again. So, I was sent to the ER once again Monday afternoon.

The good thing is that Noble was there, so everybody got to see him in action. The sad thing is, they got to see him in action… Apparently they didn’t let him do exactly what he was supposed to until Papa came. He then just let him go. He did exactly what he was supposed to do. He gave me Deep Pressure Therapy and then licked my face until I came to. I was so tickled to hear that.

Anyways, I was admitted to what is called the Hope House. It’s a short-term live in facility for people who are suicidal. I was told that I wouldn’t be allowed to because my conversion disorder is considered medical. They don’t have medical staff at the Hope House. The crisis evaluator ended up setting it up to get me into the Hope House.

Sure enough, I had three episodes the next morning, and they sent me to the ER. Very frustrating to wake up in the ER with two IVs, and people yelling at me to stay awake when I so badly want to sleep. They apparently called my mom to let her know I was in the ER and my mom chewed them out. My seizures don’t cause brain damage, so I don’t need to go to the ER after every one.

They got the message after that and I had some more seizures the next day. I didn’t end up in the ER. Yay! I was actually getting really frustrated because it took three days for me to be seen by one person. Wednesday was a really bad day. U was struggling with suicidal thoughts. No fun.

Then, I had another episode last night and I fell out of a chair. My episode only lasted 5 minutes instead of 15, but I ended up getting a concussion when I fell. I am always pretty confused after my episodes, but I never remember the confusion. This time though, I was so confused. It was scary. I ended up in another seizure after that.

I didn’t come back from the ER until 11 PM last night, and staff had me sleep on the couch so that they could keep an eye on me. I didn’t sleep very well, so I’m probably gonna go back to bed. In my room this time on a bed… I will probably take some Klonopin to help me sleep and with the anxiety.

Hospitalized Again

THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING

I was hospitalized again, but this time it was because I had attempted suicide. I parked in a parking lot and overdosed, only to have the sheriff find me and take me to the ER. The drugs I took thickened my blood and caused everthing to slow down. I had to be given a blood thinner shot in the stomach twice a day and intubated for 24 hours.

I was in the ICU for 4 days before I was cleared medically and moved down to general. Two days after that, I was ambulanced to another hospital two hours away. There, I was admitted to the psych ward and was there for a week before being discharged two days after my birthday. Yup… I spent my birthday in the psych ward. The suckiest birthday yet.

Due to the complexity of my case with the conversion disorder, they were threatening to send me to the state hospital. The staff there were terrified of seizures after a bad night of seizing on and off for six hours. I woke up to my bed on the floor and pillows around my mattress.

It really sucks when the hospital says you’re too crazy for them to handle to the point of shipping me off to another hospital six hours away. I said that it was stupid and that I would much rather be discharged. They wouldn’t let me discharge either because I was brought in by the cops and not voluntarily. So, I had to stay a little while longer.

Then my conversion disorder continued getting worse to the point of messing with my ability to walk. I have had that happen before where one of my legs would go completely numb. That made me a fall risk and they threatenedto put me in seclusion, so I told them they might as wellIMG_1226 discharge me because this will only progress. So they did.

Now I’m at home with absolutely no help. I was told to continue treatment through this mental health center, but I missed a crucial appointment while I was hospitalized. The best part? They apparently have no record of the appointment. So, I don’t know what to do. I’m initially screwed. I’ve got no where to go… Ugh!
One positive thing though! I got a new hair cut and I love it!

Support Groups

My follow up appointment went fine. It was just getting me into the system. There is a long waiting list to get a therapist or psychiatrist, so I’ve got to find something to help me cope until then. Guess what it is? Support groups.

I have never gone to a support group, and the only thing I know about them is what I have seen in the movies. You know… You sit in a big room at church in a circle and tell your story to people. I have gone to two group so far and I like them.

They are very chill and we sit in a room with couches and talk. It starts out with telling how you are feeling today, and then we start talking about a topic. Today’s topic was radical acceptance. It is mainly about how you need to accept who you are with your issues, without feeling shameful.

That is something I definetly need to work on. I am really nervous about going to work because of all the questions. My brother-in-law told everybody that I have been in the hospital because I was having a lot of seizures. It’s not a lie because I was originally admitted because I was having my non-epileptic seizures due to the stress of me being suicidal. And me having a plan that I intended on following through with.

Anyways, I am SO ready to get back to work. My emploers have been so awesome and were willing to give me a month off if I needed it. They were very adamant that I do not need to worry about work, and just need to get better. I’m not 100% yet, but I intend to stick it out until I am. I am not someone who can just sit around the house. I have to do something.

Blankets

Warning: This post may be triggering for some people…
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I love blankets. Growing up, my grandma always made us a quilt every couple years for our birthdays. I love blankets because they hold so much memory and meaning, especially when they were a gift. I have blankets from two of my friends and whenever I wrap myself up in them, I feel as if they are giving me a hug. 
My grandma’s most recent quilt she made me, was given to me a few years ago. I don’t ever use it, and I think she is a bit offended by it. The thing is that the blanket holds bad memories for me. She gave it to me when I was admitted to the psych ward and then transferred to the surgical ward when they discovered I was malnourished.

 
I can’t even handle looking at it without the terrible feelings and memories that are linked to it, rush back. That year was hell for me. I will probably never forget it. The year before I was admitted, was spent trying to get a diagnoses for my seizures. I spent more of my time getting multiple EEGs, than I did at school.
After I was finally diagnosed with non electro graphic seizures, I was sent into a rapid spiral down to severe depression. People kept telling me that I can’t control my seizures and that it’s not my fault. Then I would have one and I remember waking to my parents or other family members discussing how angry they were that I kept having them. My dad being the worst culprit for telling me that I was faking it.
Every negative thing just sent me deeper and deeper into the depression, until I just had enough. I began planning and preparing for my exit from this world. Two years ago today, I was going to kill myself. I was saying goodbye to a friend and before I knew it, my mom was in my room. Reading my will and scolding me for ever thinking of committing suicide.
I was admitted to the hospital the next day and sent to the psych ward. I woke up the next morning, after being admitted to the psych ward, in the emergency room. I had had another one of my seizures during the night and the on call Doctor wanted to get me an EEG. He didn’t believe that it was a non electro graphic seizure. He said it looked too real. 
So, I was sent to get another EEG taken that revealed it was indeed one of my usual seizures. I was then sent back to the ward to sleep, and I woke up again in the emergency room because of a high temperature of 103 degrees Fahrenheit. They ran tests and discovered I hadn’t eaten in nine days. 
I was the. Sent to the surgical ward to get weened off the migraine medication that caused my loss of appetite, and to get a feeding tube inserted. That is where I met J and his service dog, Grace. That is when I got the blanket. My grandma laid the blanket on my hospital bed and looked at me with disappointment. 
That is when the guilt and shame began. That look is all I see when my grandma looks at me. Disappointment. So, I don’t use the blanket that holds all that shame, guilt, disappointment, and painful memories. I know that is all my family sees in me anymore, and it really hurts. I gave up. I couldn’t keep strong.

Meant to be?

I finally decided to quit grooming. I called my boss up and told her to not schedule anymore grooms because I am done. I thought it would be a really quick phone call, but it took 45 minutes for me to quit. When I first told her, she acted like she was expecting it. She showered me with compliments and told me how well other people thought I was doing. I thanked her and then said I don’t have the patience for it anymore, so it wouldn’t be wise for me to continue.

We finally came to a compromise of me just bathing dogs that come in to be boarded. Which is something I was actually thinking to continue anyways. As soon as I hung up the phone, I checked my email and I had four people contact me about coming in for a interview. I am going to take that as a sign that it was meant to be.

I also had a business call me for a phone interview which I begrudgingly accepted. I do not answer my phone because my anxiety gets worse on the phone. It’s like my anxious brain starts screaming at me, so I can’t hear the person on the phone. That leads me to just saying yes to whatever they are asking me and ending the phone call with no idea what was said. 

Anyways, I called the business back and followed through with the phone interview. It went a lot better than I thought it would. I even remembered what was said. When we were wrapping up the interview, the lady asked if there was anything else I wanted them to know. I thought about telling them I had Keen, but I decided against it. I will just let them know when I go to the onsite interview, otherwise I will be written off.

I did so much out of my comfort zone today. I’m actually very proud of myself. Today started out absolutely terrible. I had hit rock bottom once again, but as soon as I made a decision and acted on it, it all changed. It just amazes me how quickly it all changed. I will update you all on any interviews (or maybe even jobs?) I get.

I Give Up

I have been job searching for six months now. I have gone to so many interviews. And I give up. As soon as the people see that I have Keen, it’s a deal breaker and they say they are gonna call me, but never do. I am so fed up with it that I have been going to interviews saying, “I have been on a job hunt for a while now and have been turned away because I have my dog. I don’t want to waste yours or my time, so… Is he a deal breaker?” Some say no and some say yes and I just leave. For those who say no and continue the interview, I never get a call back. 

I still have my job at the kennel, but it is getting so stressful that I can’t even handle doing chores without breaking down into an anxious heap. As much as it scares me, I need a change. I need a different job. I need a different routine. I need to do different things that are out of my comfort zone on a regular (ish) basis.

People have been telling me that I just need to keep working at the kennel. That I’m not liking it because I’m doing things that are not in my comfort zone. And that I just need to think about it before I make any rash decisions. That pisses me off. People do not know what I’m feeling. I know the difference between doing something out of my comfort zone, and doing something that is unhealthy for me to continue (mentally and physically).

I have been talking about getting a new job since I got my GED, and I have been searching for one since then as well. There is nothing rash about it. I had no idea that it would be this hard to get hired with a service dog. It is so discouraging to get continuously turned down because I have to work with Keen by my side.

Quite frankly, I feel stuck. I don’t want to quit my current job until I have another to replace it. At the same time, no one is going to hire me, and this job is seriously wearing me down. I find myself back in that depression loop, and just as bad as the first time. Only I don’t think I have anything to keep me going. Keep me looking ahead. My family keeps planning road trips to go this summer, but I can’t go because I can’t handle sitting in a car without having flashbacks.

I feel as if I have been forced into this rut once again. I find myself planning again, and not having anyone to talk me down from the ledge. GRR! I hate this. I have no money, and sooner or later, no job. I want help, but I can’t afford the help. And, honestly, I’m ashamed to be stuck in this rut again. Ashamed to need to ask for help again. I try to tell my mom, but she discredits what I’m feeling with, “Ask God what to do.” Or, “Just pray about it. It will pass.” Comments. I don’t know what to do…