Job Interviews and Spring Cleaning

Yup… That is what I am doing today. I’ve got a couple job interviews and I’m doing a bit of spring cleaning. So, nothing fun. One of the interviews is going to be a ride along for a paper route. I’m really hoping to get that job so I can maybe do the route on my bike.

I have been bike 20 miles every day lately. I have been loving it. It’s  good distraction from life because it doesn’t cost anything to do. I don’t have to worry about gas, just if I am hydrating enough. The only thing is that I can’t find the leash attachment to my bike, so I can’t take Noble with me. I’m thinking that I could just make a leash that will work till I can afford another one.

Other than the interviews, bike riding, and cleaning, I haven’t been doing much. I am still recovering from my most recent overdose. It has nearly destroyed my kidneys and damaged my liver. So, I’m having weekly blood draws to check my liver and kidney functions. Yippee… My arms are all bruised up because of how many blood draws I’ve had…


The Bad Stuff…

I promised to fill you guys in on the bad stuff going on today, so here goes… 

The majority of it is finances. The cost to stay in the psych hospital in $10,000 a day and I was there for ten days with two ER trips and an EEG. So I have some pretty big bills coming my way. I had my social working on getting me some health insurance, but just found out I don’t qualify for any that she can find. Stupid.

Now I have started the process of finding and applying to health insurance companies that I can find. So, in swamped with paperwork. While I was about to print some crucial information for my applications, our printer crashed. Now I have to find some way to finish the application before time runs out.

I am still looking for a place of my own, so I have been picking up even more applications for the past couple weeks. The only thing is that I have to get Noble licensed by the city. I didn’t know I had to. I went online to get him licensed, but turns out that my town still uses snail mail. I sent his paperwork out today, but it will probably be a while.

It is way past my bedtime, so I’m gonna leave it at that and call it a night. I will pick up where I left off on Thursday. 

I’m a Trainer!

I have been officially hired to be a dog trainer. That is a personal dog trainer. There is a lady that I met at one of the support groups, that was wanting help to train her dog as a service dog. I had Noble at the group, so she asked if I would help her.

She can’t pay me much, but I felt that I needed to help her out. Honestly, I am so excited. She is at the stage that I know how to train. She has an eight week old puppy that isn’t even potty trained. Noble is now six months old, and I have gone through the terrible phase of potty training and crate training.

I am not officially a dog trainer, but I still know how to train a dog. Especially a service dog. In fact, I think that my standards are too high for just a pet. I do better with task training. Perfect for service dogs or any working dog for that fact.

I’m starting to think that I should get some business cards, because I have been getting stopped a lot by people wanting me to do something with a service dog. I got stopped by a guy, in the middle of an intersection, who wanted me to take care of his service dog while he was in Europe. I’m starting to think that I might have to go part time with my painting job. I don’t want to, but current events are making it difficult to have a full-time job with a side business.

Anyways, that’s the good news that has happened the past couple weeks. I will wait till Tuesday to give you the bad news. It’s just too much to bear at the moment.

3 Weeks Old!

The puppies are three weeks old now! Just one more week and we will be able to snuggle and play with them! I have finally decided on the name Noble for my dog. It turns out that I will be getting him on September 23rd instead of October.


The breeder said that he sends them to their homes at seven weeks instead of eight because they will just be outside the last week anyway. I am praying that the next few weeks go by quickly because I’m really struggling. It’s getting harder to wake up in the morning without Keen’s big nose in my face, and tail thumping.

The only thing that’s keeping me going is getting all the stuff I need to have before I take Noble home. Whenever I see Keen’s old vest, I can’t help but start bawling. This grieving for Keen has turned out to be harder than I thought. I thought I could easily get over it. Easily be able to forget him, but I now know that will never be possible. You easily forget your first service dog.

Your first one is what you will most likely compare all of your other ones to. I never understood why some people never get the same breed twice. You can never forget your first. I know that I can train this dog, but my confidence in myself fluctuates so much, so often. Thankfully my parents are willing to help me out, and keep my head in the right place.

I don’t know how this is gonna turn out… But I keep praying.

Decided To Go

Well… I decided to go on the road trip to see my grandparents. Oh my goodness. I am regretting it. 

On very rare occasions, I am so stressed/anxious that I feel the need to clean. I was so anxious yesterday because I had to confront my boss about getting my paycheck on time, call a lady backto set up a time for my second interview, and make a decision on going on the trip, that I cleaned. A LOT. I mowed our humongous lawn, trimmed our humongous lawn, picked up poop, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned my room, vacuumed the house, and bathed Keen.

It was mainly me not avoiding doing the things I mentioned. I still haven’t called the lady back. I should probably do that, I just hate talking on the phone. Although, I did get my paycheck on time and I made the decision to go on the trip. The ride was miserable and I was so tense at every turn, that I’m sore and exhausted. I also think that another reason why I’m so tired is because my blood sugar is low. My stomach is in knots and have not had much of an appetite.

We arrived last night at around nine o’clock, but I didn’t get to sleep till about ten because I had to set up the tent. My grandparents’ house is really small, so I am sleeping in the tent I got last year. I’m actually not too disappointed by the fact because this is actually the first time I get to use it. I slept like a rock last night and didn’t wake up till 6:30 when Keen wanted fed. I think it was my first full night of sleep in… Six months or so.

Honestly, I woke up a little cranky. I was tired, sore, disappointed that the trip didn’t go the way I wanted it to. Anyways, we ate breakfast and then walked over to Target to get some stuff for our stay. Our big group of nine people and a dog got a lot of looks that early in the morning. It is Saturday and morning, so there weren’t very many people there. Just the way I like it. I got my stuf and checked out, then waited for my parents to finish. 

I was awkwardly standing to the side as everyone there spoke of my dog and how he was in a store. My mom then came up to me and said that there is another guy coming in with a service dog. I looked over over and immediately recognized the big bushy beard, limp, and the sayiwont shirt. I wasn’t absolutely positive until I saw his gorgeous red retriever, Liberty. That was Mat. He was one of the veterans in the group of guys that were good friends with J.

In case you don’t know, J is my second cousin’s husband. During my stay in the hospital, he had heard about me and what I was going through. He came and visited me with his service dog, Grace, and gave me the connections to get a dog of my own. After I was released from the hospital, I stayed with him and his family. That was when he introduced me to his group of veteran friends that were also suffering from CPTSD, and Mat was one of them. I went up and said a quick hello, then parted ways. He looked pretty stressed, so I kept it short.

I will try to keep you all posted, but might not write until I get back home. I’m supposed to be meeting with the lady who owns the service dog program, that trained Keen, tomorrow. I’m also supposed to be going to a big family reunion again… Ya. I don’t think I’ll be going. Anywho, try to keep you posted!

I Give Up

I have been job searching for six months now. I have gone to so many interviews. And I give up. As soon as the people see that I have Keen, it’s a deal breaker and they say they are gonna call me, but never do. I am so fed up with it that I have been going to interviews saying, “I have been on a job hunt for a while now and have been turned away because I have my dog. I don’t want to waste yours or my time, so… Is he a deal breaker?” Some say no and some say yes and I just leave. For those who say no and continue the interview, I never get a call back. 

I still have my job at the kennel, but it is getting so stressful that I can’t even handle doing chores without breaking down into an anxious heap. As much as it scares me, I need a change. I need a different job. I need a different routine. I need to do different things that are out of my comfort zone on a regular (ish) basis.

People have been telling me that I just need to keep working at the kennel. That I’m not liking it because I’m doing things that are not in my comfort zone. And that I just need to think about it before I make any rash decisions. That pisses me off. People do not know what I’m feeling. I know the difference between doing something out of my comfort zone, and doing something that is unhealthy for me to continue (mentally and physically).

I have been talking about getting a new job since I got my GED, and I have been searching for one since then as well. There is nothing rash about it. I had no idea that it would be this hard to get hired with a service dog. It is so discouraging to get continuously turned down because I have to work with Keen by my side.

Quite frankly, I feel stuck. I don’t want to quit my current job until I have another to replace it. At the same time, no one is going to hire me, and this job is seriously wearing me down. I find myself back in that depression loop, and just as bad as the first time. Only I don’t think I have anything to keep me going. Keep me looking ahead. My family keeps planning road trips to go this summer, but I can’t go because I can’t handle sitting in a car without having flashbacks.

I feel as if I have been forced into this rut once again. I find myself planning again, and not having anyone to talk me down from the ledge. GRR! I hate this. I have no money, and sooner or later, no job. I want help, but I can’t afford the help. And, honestly, I’m ashamed to be stuck in this rut again. Ashamed to need to ask for help again. I try to tell my mom, but she discredits what I’m feeling with, “Ask God what to do.” Or, “Just pray about it. It will pass.” Comments. I don’t know what to do…


I am completely overwhelmed with work at the moment. Why? Because I can’t seem to get a day off! The only reason I was able to make it through this past week was the fact that I would have tomorrow off. Well, my boss decided to schedule a groom for tomorrow… Without asking if I wanted it.

You would think that I could just say no and that I can’t do it, but no. She made it impossible for me to refuse. They came in to be boarded today and they are leaving tomorrow. AAGH!! I am so pissed that I’m calm. May seem confusing, but sometimes I get so mad that I just can’t show or express how angry I am. I kind of follow that whole saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Well that’s what I’m doing.

I know I mentioned this in my previous post, but my boss REALLY needs to hire someone else. Otherwise I’m going to quit. I am not stable enough to have this stress dumped on me. I think I’m going to take a couple days off because I won’t get a day off till next week. I hate dealing with people… Why do they have to be so mean and manipulative?

Keen seems to be the only one that understands. I came home after work and just cried into my pillow. He came over and dug my face out from under my hair as he payed on top of me and licked my face. I started laughing when I couldn’t stop crying and he was getting, so he started moaning along with me. It was pretty cute. He even got up after being in a dead sleep to alert me. It was the first time he has done that.

My cousin is in town, so I am gonna have to take a couple days off to spend time with her. So, I think that will be my excuse for some me time. I think I should just fly back with her to Oregon for a week. That way I will be completely unavailable. Ack! This week has not gotten off to a good start.