Stuck

I am currently in a sticky situation. I accepted a job offer and now they seem to be a bit sketchy. I’ve got an unsettling gut feeling that I should back out, but can’t seem to. I tried to let the lady down easy, but she is not accepting my resignation. Now I’m in too deep to back out. Not quite sure what to do.

I think I am just going to fulfill my last duties and then pull out. I really don’t feel comfortable continuing with this job. They are out of state and they only want to converse via text, and their number keeps changing. See? Really sketchy and unsettling to continue. The only thing is they have invested in me a little bit, so I can’t back out now. I’ll wait another day.

Ugh! Why can’t I just say no? I mean, come on! Haven’t I learned my lesson already? Not saying “no” has gotten me into so many jams. I hate that I feel the need to please everybody. It’s so stupid and such a waste of my time. Geez… This is just one more jam I’ve gotten into because of it. ARG!

Anyways, I thought I’d let you guys know what is going on in my miserable life. I will sign off now and wish you all a goodnight.

Long Time…

It has been a crazy long time since I’ve last posted. I have not been doing very well. I have been in and out of the hospital for the past three months. I made several attempts and got a bogus diagnoses. That diagnoses then sent into suicidal thoughts, which I followed through with.

Now I have damaged relationships to fix and have no idea how to do so. How am I supposed to deal with other people’s feelings when I don’t even understand my own. My therapist is pretty sure I’m bipolar and have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

This post will probably be a short one. I need to get my thoughts together. I’m a little flighty and I’m actually surprised I sat down and wrote a post. Anyways… Bear with me. I’m trying to get back to my routine.

Struggling

I am still really struggling… It appears that I’ve been released from the State Hospital too soon. I have relapsed. I went to my second doctor’s appointment and ended up having one of my episodes. In my delirium afterwards, I had confessed my plans to commit suicide again. So, I was sent to the ER once again Monday afternoon.

The good thing is that Noble was there, so everybody got to see him in action. The sad thing is, they got to see him in action… Apparently they didn’t let him do exactly what he was supposed to until Papa came. He then just let him go. He did exactly what he was supposed to do. He gave me Deep Pressure Therapy and then licked my face until I came to. I was so tickled to hear that.

Anyways, I was admitted to what is called the Hope House. It’s a short-term live in facility for people who are suicidal. I was told that I wouldn’t be allowed to because my conversion disorder is considered medical. They don’t have medical staff at the Hope House. The crisis evaluator ended up setting it up to get me into the Hope House.

Sure enough, I had three episodes the next morning, and they sent me to the ER. Very frustrating to wake up in the ER with two IVs, and people yelling at me to stay awake when I so badly want to sleep. They apparently called my mom to let her know I was in the ER and my mom chewed them out. My seizures don’t cause brain damage, so I don’t need to go to the ER after every one.

They got the message after that and I had some more seizures the next day. I didn’t end up in the ER. Yay! I was actually getting really frustrated because it took three days for me to be seen by one person. Wednesday was a really bad day. U was struggling with suicidal thoughts. No fun.

Then, I had another episode last night and I fell out of a chair. My episode only lasted 5 minutes instead of 15, but I ended up getting a concussion when I fell. I am always pretty confused after my episodes, but I never remember the confusion. This time though, I was so confused. It was scary. I ended up in another seizure after that.

I didn’t come back from the ER until 11 PM last night, and staff had me sleep on the couch so that they could keep an eye on me. I didn’t sleep very well, so I’m probably gonna go back to bed. In my room this time on a bed… I will probably take some Klonopin to help me sleep and with the anxiety.

Hospitalized Again

THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING

I was hospitalized again, but this time it was because I had attempted suicide. I parked in a parking lot and overdosed, only to have the sheriff find me and take me to the ER. The drugs I took thickened my blood and caused everthing to slow down. I had to be given a blood thinner shot in the stomach twice a day and intubated for 24 hours.

I was in the ICU for 4 days before I was cleared medically and moved down to general. Two days after that, I was ambulanced to another hospital two hours away. There, I was admitted to the psych ward and was there for a week before being discharged two days after my birthday. Yup… I spent my birthday in the psych ward. The suckiest birthday yet.

Due to the complexity of my case with the conversion disorder, they were threatening to send me to the state hospital. The staff there were terrified of seizures after a bad night of seizing on and off for six hours. I woke up to my bed on the floor and pillows around my mattress.

It really sucks when the hospital says you’re too crazy for them to handle to the point of shipping me off to another hospital six hours away. I said that it was stupid and that I would much rather be discharged. They wouldn’t let me discharge either because I was brought in by the cops and not voluntarily. So, I had to stay a little while longer.

Then my conversion disorder continued getting worse to the point of messing with my ability to walk. I have had that happen before where one of my legs would go completely numb. That made me a fall risk and they threatenedto put me in seclusion, so I told them they might as wellIMG_1226 discharge me because this will only progress. So they did.

Now I’m at home with absolutely no help. I was told to continue treatment through this mental health center, but I missed a crucial appointment while I was hospitalized. The best part? They apparently have no record of the appointment. So, I don’t know what to do. I’m initially screwed. I’ve got no where to go… Ugh!
One positive thing though! I got a new hair cut and I love it!

The Bad Stuff…

I promised to fill you guys in on the bad stuff going on today, so here goes… 

The majority of it is finances. The cost to stay in the psych hospital in $10,000 a day and I was there for ten days with two ER trips and an EEG. So I have some pretty big bills coming my way. I had my social working on getting me some health insurance, but just found out I don’t qualify for any that she can find. Stupid.

Now I have started the process of finding and applying to health insurance companies that I can find. So, in swamped with paperwork. While I was about to print some crucial information for my applications, our printer crashed. Now I have to find some way to finish the application before time runs out.

I am still looking for a place of my own, so I have been picking up even more applications for the past couple weeks. The only thing is that I have to get Noble licensed by the city. I didn’t know I had to. I went online to get him licensed, but turns out that my town still uses snail mail. I sent his paperwork out today, but it will probably be a while.

It is way past my bedtime, so I’m gonna leave it at that and call it a night. I will pick up where I left off on Thursday. 

New Computer!

I finally got myself a computer. Blogging is so much easier now that I can use all the tools that wordpress provides. I am still searching for an apartment, but I couldn’t wait any longer to get myself a proper computer.

The apartment search is getting more and more discouraging as i keep looking. I really need to find a place before the end of February because that’s when my parents are moving. There is room for me in the new place, but I don’t want to have to move in and then move again after a couple weeks.

I am driving myself crazy with my need to move out. I want to truly embrace my independence that I gained last year. I don’t want to fall under the stereotype of a millennial by living with my parents until I’m 30. Finding a place is just so darn difficult when I have a service dog in training.

It would probably be a lot easier if I had a fully trained service dog because just see how old he is. They don’t realize that his training makes much more well behaved than the typical 5 month old puppy. You can actually see how his training is going by checking out my Noble Devotion blog.

I will try to keep you guys updated on how house hunting goes. I am hoping that the fact that I got a computer will encourage me to stay on schedule with blogging. I guess we’ll see…

 

12 Hour Anxiety Attack

Last night was absolutely one of the worst nights I’ve ever had. I didn’t sleep a wink the night before because I was worried about my doctor’s appointment, so I was exhausted by the time bedtime came around. I had my typical butterflies in my stomach at the beginning, but by 11 pm my heart was beating so fast that my limbs were getting numb.

I have had anxiety/panic attacks before, but they had never lasted this long. I was so terrified that I was having a heart attack that I went to my parents. They noticed it was an anxiety attack and tried to help me calm down. My mom kept saying that she was sorry for being angry that I went to the doctor without telling them. She said that she didn’t know my anxiety was this bad.

That alone helped me calm down a little bit, but I didn’t successfully stop the anxiety attack till 7 am. I called in sick to work and just slept. I had to catch up on two nights of sleep, so I didn’t wake up till3:30 pm today. I didn’t even wake up to eat anything. I finally feel rested and ready to go. It seems that I got medication three days too late. I am praying that I make it to the weekend.