Yup… That is what I am doing today. I’ve got a couple job interviews and I’m doing a bit of spring cleaning. So, nothing fun. One of the interviews is going to be a ride along for a paper route. I’m really hoping to get that job so I can maybe do the route on my bike.
I have been bike 20 miles every day lately. I have been loving it. It’s good distraction from life because it doesn’t cost anything to do. I don’t have to worry about gas, just if I am hydrating enough. The only thing is that I can’t find the leash attachment to my bike, so I can’t take Noble with me. I’m thinking that I could just make a leash that will work till I can afford another one.
Other than the interviews, bike riding, and cleaning, I haven’t been doing much. I am still recovering from my most recent overdose. It has nearly destroyed my kidneys and damaged my liver. So, I’m having weekly blood draws to check my liver and kidney functions. Yippee… My arms are all bruised up because of how many blood draws I’ve had…
On my first day of being at the State Hospital, I met with a lot of doctors. They do a full medical work up when you first come to make sure you’re physically healthy. The docs soon learned I was a difficult case. My TBI proved to be a complication in my mental health treatment… Yippee…
It was a lot of trial and error on finding the correct treatment, but eventually found one that kind of worked. The psych doc changed all my meds and upped them of couple times. I spent the first four days hiding out in my room. I had four of my episodes my first night, so my mattress was on the floor. Not very comfy.
The only reason I did come out was because a fellow peer dragged me out of my room. I’m an introvert and she is an extrovert, so we worked perfectly together. She talked and I listened. It may not seem like that is much of a change, but it got me out of my dark room and out among people.
I didn’t converse with anyone but my new friend, D. She of course talked with everybody, so I just kind of became her shadow and observed. Eventually, I became comfortable enough to make small talk with a couple new people. I hate small talk, so that took a lot for me to do.
It’s amazing how sane places like that can make you seem. There were quite a few delusional people who thought they were in the FBI, or whatever. But the craziest thing was that other people were actually believing their stories. That lead to complications in the gullible patients because they became convinced that the hospital was just a safe house. They believed they were in a safe house because the patient that claimed to be FBI, said they were just getting paperwork ready for witness protection for all of us.
Oh my gosh… I couldn’t help but laugh to myself…
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You have probably guessed by my previous post that I have been in the hospital for the past month. After being released in March, I went back after near attempt at suicide again. I packed up all my things and drove the two hours to the psych hospital.
After being in the psych unit for a week, I was not getting any better. I continued to isolate and still had the urge to kill myself. That was when my provider and I decided that the best option was for me to be committed to the state hospital. I was at peace with that decision and had to go to court before I was sent off in handcuffs to the hospital.
I was absolutely terrified of what it would be like. You here a lot of horror stories about the state hospital in the psych unit. There was one patient in the psych unit that prepared me for what it was really like. She even gave me her contact information to call her if I got scared or confused. I was so touched.
Once I arrived at the hospital, I got entered into the system, showered, and walked up to the unit I would be in. When I first walked in, I realized that it was no different from the psych unit (It was actually a little better). There were two TVs with couches and tables. Our rooms had a sink, and a closet with a desk attached to the wall. The beds were so comfy and you could open your window.
They brought me something to eat since I arrived at 8pm. Their food was terrible, but still edible. When you were really hungry, the food was a delicacy (Not that rare of an occurance). They gave me my meds through a little window in the med room door. I thought it was actually kind fun (I’m weird that way).
The best part was that you could turn off all your lights. In the psych unit, they had a “night-light” in the rooms that were more like an artificial sun. I must have the room dark in order to sleep, so I was able to get another hour or two of sleep that night…
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I have been officially hired to be a dog trainer. That is a personal dog trainer. There is a lady that I met at one of the support groups, that was wanting help to train her dog as a service dog. I had Noble at the group, so she asked if I would help her.
She can’t pay me much, but I felt that I needed to help her out. Honestly, I am so excited. She is at the stage that I know how to train. She has an eight week old puppy that isn’t even potty trained. Noble is now six months old, and I have gone through the terrible phase of potty training and crate training.
I am not officially a dog trainer, but I still know how to train a dog. Especially a service dog. In fact, I think that my standards are too high for just a pet. I do better with task training. Perfect for service dogs or any working dog for that fact.
I’m starting to think that I should get some business cards, because I have been getting stopped a lot by people wanting me to do something with a service dog. I got stopped by a guy, in the middle of an intersection, who wanted me to take care of his service dog while he was in Europe. I’m starting to think that I might have to go part time with my painting job. I don’t want to, but current events are making it difficult to have a full-time job with a side business.
Anyways, that’s the good news that has happened the past couple weeks. I will wait till Tuesday to give you the bad news. It’s just too much to bear at the moment.
Tomorrow is my first day back at work. I’m worrying about it of course, but I am itching to get back to work. To feel the exhaustion and sore muscles after hard day’s work. There is nothing like it… And I love it.
My employers are awesome and extremely supportive, so I’m not too worried about being picked on for taking two and a half weeks off work. I am worried about the questions about why I was in the hospital. But I’ve got vague answers figured out that will hopefully satisfy them.
I finally have my routine sorted out again, which brings me to another topic. While I was in the hospital, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). That is why I have to have my day planned down to the minute and can’t be changed. If it does get changed, I have a panic attack.
They also believe that I am on autism spectrum. I don’t think I am, but apparently I show a lot of signs. OCD being one of them. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that, but I haven’t been diagnosed with it so I don’t have to worry. Yet…
It’s not that I don’t want to be diagnosed autistic, but rather it would bring a whole view of myself. I don’t think I can handle one more thing to cope with right now. I don’t think I am severely autistic, but it would make sense why I have issues in social settings. Maybe it’s not just my anxiety. Maybe the anxiety is caused by the autism.
Anyways, I just wanted to get some things off my chest before I tried to sleep. Most likely I will be laying awake all night with my racing thoughts. I will try to sleep nevertheless. So… Goodnight everybody!
My follow up appointment went fine. It was just getting me into the system. There is a long waiting list to get a therapist or psychiatrist, so I’ve got to find something to help me cope until then. Guess what it is? Support groups.
I have never gone to a support group, and the only thing I know about them is what I have seen in the movies. You know… You sit in a big room at church in a circle and tell your story to people. I have gone to two group so far and I like them.
They are very chill and we sit in a room with couches and talk. It starts out with telling how you are feeling today, and then we start talking about a topic. Today’s topic was radical acceptance. It is mainly about how you need to accept who you are with your issues, without feeling shameful.
That is something I definetly need to work on. I am really nervous about going to work because of all the questions. My brother-in-law told everybody that I have been in the hospital because I was having a lot of seizures. It’s not a lie because I was originally admitted because I was having my non-epileptic seizures due to the stress of me being suicidal. And me having a plan that I intended on following through with.
Anyways, I am SO ready to get back to work. My emploers have been so awesome and were willing to give me a month off if I needed it. They were very adamant that I do not need to worry about work, and just need to get better. I’m not 100% yet, but I intend to stick it out until I am. I am not someone who can just sit around the house. I have to do something.
I am currently sitting in a coffee shop waiting for it to be time to go to my follow up appointment. I am absolutely terrified. My appointment is at this institution for mental health, and I don’t know what to expect. I’m not sure what this appointment entails.
I know it will be a lot of paperwork, but I’m not sure if I am just going to get accepted into the program or what. I am not bringing Noble because he will be just one more stressor. Ugh… I hate it when you get so anxious that you get physically uncomfortable.
I wish I could do a test run so that I know what to expect. Life would be so much easier ifwe could have test runs. But life has to be difficult, so we don’t get test runs. It’s stupid, but true. All I have been doing the past couple days is sleeping and moving.
My family just moved to a new house, so I am very slowly moving mystuff to the new place. My energy is drained so easily these days. A shower is so exhausting that I sleep for three hours afterwards (Which leaves me with bed head).
I’m probably just rambling now. I will let you guys know how everything goes.