What is Going On?!?

After I started my medication. For anxiety, I have been having more anxiety/panic attacks than I have ever had. All I have to do is think about moving and my heart starts racing and my shirt gets soaked. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic because I think I’m having a heart attack.

Since I have had Noble sleeping with me, he has helped me through the night. I’ll wake up crying and he sleepily crawls onto my chest, licks my face a couple times, and falls back to sleep. I start calming down once he starts snoring and I feel his heart beat through his rib cage.

Noble helping me through an anxiety attack while watching a movie.


Eventually, I fall back to sleep. Nevertheless, it is a process. But it makes me happy that Noble naturally knows how to handle it. I know that there’s no judgement. I love him.

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New Computer!

I finally got myself a computer. Blogging is so much easier now that I can use all the tools that wordpress provides. I am still searching for an apartment, but I couldn’t wait any longer to get myself a proper computer.

The apartment search is getting more and more discouraging as i keep looking. I really need to find a place before the end of February because that’s when my parents are moving. There is room for me in the new place, but I don’t want to have to move in and then move again after a couple weeks.

I am driving myself crazy with my need to move out. I want to truly embrace my independence that I gained last year. I don’t want to fall under the stereotype of a millennial by living with my parents until I’m 30. Finding a place is just so darn difficult when I have a service dog in training.

It would probably be a lot easier if I had a fully trained service dog because just see how old he is. They don’t realize that his training makes much more well behaved than the typical 5 month old puppy. You can actually see how his training is going by checking out my Noble Devotion blog.

I will try to keep you guys updated on how house hunting goes. I am hoping that the fact that I got a computer will encourage me to stay on schedule with blogging. I guess we’ll see…

 

Embarassed

Well… I had an interesting day today. I was unloading a drying rack of some cedar soffit, and the rack tipped and dumped three boards right on my head. I absolutely hate showing weakness in public, so I just walked on and said I was fine. In reality, my head was ringing, and a headache was growing. 

Sure enough, my stupid disorder brought what I was feeling to the surface. I zoned out a couple times without knowing and my co worker freaked out. So, my brother in law pulls me aside and told me that my mom was coming and to sit and wait for her. I pretend to be nonchalant, but I feel totally and completely defeated.

It is like high school all over again. I’m constantly afraid that I might start seizing or zone out and get someone else in danger. I am just… Crushed. I was hoping that I had gotten past the conversion disorder. That my entering adulthood had fixed it. Now, I don’t have a service dog again and I want to back out.

I don’t want to have to take it one day at a time anymore. It was so damn hard to fight this the first time. I lost thousands of times before I finally got a win. Now, I’m back on a losing streak. Life seems to be throwing one thing after another at me. I am still recovering from my confrontation last week, and then this is thrown at me.

I am embarrassed to show my face at work again. My coworkers now know how weak I am. I have tried so hard to hide it. This was the first time that my brother in law has seen me in that state, and I wanted to run and hide from the fearful look he gave me. I don’t want all this extra attention.

When I’m feeling crappy, I want to be invisible and have no one care about me. It’s just easier that way. I don’t have to worry about other people being afraid for me… Or disappointed. I’m afraid of people being as disappointed in me as I am. I just don’t want to deal…

First Visit To the Vet!


Took Noble to the vet today to get his booster shots. He did great! I on the other hand, was not so great. I was really stressed out about going to a new place with new people. I was also afraid that Noble wouldn’t do well.

In other words, I was getting myself all worked up about nothing. He didn’t even notice the shots and loved the deworming stuff. Typical lab. All the employees wanted to hold him and I think the doctor purposely filled my arms with sample dog food. That way, she could hold him. Lots of me standing around feeling awkward as people admired Noble.

I am not looking forward to when I start Noble on piblic access training. I imagine that I won’t be able to make it in the door before getting stopped by tons of people. Ugh… these photos are before and after the vet. He was a little unsure about the stranger dogs, but did great.

Captain Abbie?

Well… I’ve got a new nickname at work… Captain Abbie. The reasoning behind it is that people like to ask stupid questions, and I know the answer to these stupid questions. Questions like, should we put these big boards on the bottom of the stack? Because I tell them to put it on the bottom, I am suddenly bossy.

I don’t see myself as being bossy, but maybe I am. That is when it comes to answering stupid questions… And my dog. So, maybe I am a bossy person! Oh well… This is gonna be a short post. I apologize for not posting much. My time has been chocked full. I really wish there were at least 2 more hours in the day. Now the days are getting shorter with winter approaching… Ugh. Just one more thing I’m not looking forward to.

Feeling Like Crap

I am really discouraged right now. For the past month, I have not been feeling good. Whether it be a migraine, cold, concussion, or anxiety. I’m sick of feeling sick. 

Now I have Noble, and I can’t even stay awake long enough to actually play with him. The most he sees of me is when I potty him and feed him. Otherwise, he is just in his kennel. I’m glad my mom is home because she takes him outside and she gets him to burn some energy.

I have taken five days off work so far. I hate it. I think I have hit rock bottoms once again. My boss is getting mad with how much time I’ve been taking off. I HATE IT. 

I hate the constant pain. I hate the inability to work. I hate that I no longer see anybody because I go straight to bed. I hate that there is a chance that I will have an episode at work. I hate that I can’t control my thoughts and prevent an episode. I just hate… everything. Why can’t I just sleep my life away? 

I feel like I’m letting everybody down. I’m not able to do what I’m supposed to do. I can’t sleep for the fact that I have all these thoughts and nightmares. People say just get some sleep, but I’m incapable of sleep. I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep.

I’m sick and tired of feeling like this. I just want it to stop. I want to make it through a full day of work. I want to be able to have relationships.

Noble’s Here!

Well… I finally got to take Noble home Friday. The same day that the chaos began. We had family over and then went to an all weekend conference for church. I had to take Noble with me because I couldn’t leave him at home for twelve hours without pottying him. So, everyone wanted to see him. 

I kept the fact that I brought him, a secret because I didn’t want the crowd. By the second day though, everyone knew because I brought him inside to show one of the speakers. He is a long time family friend and my mom really wanted me to show him. So, I ran in and plopped little Noble in his arms. 

When we went to pick him up from the breeder, he had gotten a bath and the guy had me hold him while we filled out some paperwork. Let me tell you what… He is definitely the one. He is so sweet and LOVES people. He also love to snuggle. When I hold him when he’s sleepy, he makes little oinking noises and chews on my hair. It’s so cute!

Potty training has been awesome so far. I have been letting him out to potty every hour and we only had one accident in four days. The only reason he did have an accident was because I forgot to take him out after he drank water. His current nickname is Piranha in the voice of the girl on Finding Nemo. He has spurts of ferocious chewing and just latches onto whatever he grabs. Whether it be your pants or your toes.


I am very happy with Noble and excited and terrified to continue our journey together.