Oh my gosh… I probably had the most productive day in a while. I went to town this morning then went on a 5 hour ride with my dad on his Harlley. When we got back, we went to dinner with some family friends until 8 pm. I thought I’d be exhausted, but I can’t SLEEP!
The reason I probably can’t sleep is because I have been sleeping for five days straight. My mom thinks it’s probably because my liver is still healing and my vacation was not all that relaxing. So I am also catching up on the sleep i should have gotten. Boring, but apparently necessary.
I’m also stressing about going to live with my aunt. I don’t know how long I’ll be there, but at least a few months. With that in mind, I will have to get a job in order to continue to feed Noble. I’m a little nervous, but still looking forward to it. I need to get out of this house. I just keep falling back into a dark place.
It has been a crazy long time since I’ve last posted. I have not been doing very well. I have been in and out of the hospital for the past three months. I made several attempts and got a bogus diagnoses. That diagnoses then sent into suicidal thoughts, which I followed through with.
Now I have damaged relationships to fix and have no idea how to do so. How am I supposed to deal with other people’s feelings when I don’t even understand my own. My therapist is pretty sure I’m bipolar and have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
This post will probably be a short one. I need to get my thoughts together. I’m a little flighty and I’m actually surprised I sat down and wrote a post. Anyways… Bear with me. I’m trying to get back to my routine.
Ugh… I am so frustrated with life at the moment. My stupid headache won’t go away and I have to wait till wednesday to get a change in presription. I am having to take off a lot of work because of it and my paycheck is getting smaller and smaller.
I just want to scream at the top of my lungs with no judgement. My family is moving and plan to be out of here by the end of the week. So, I’ll be left alone at the house till the end of February or I get my own place. I’m hoping for the latter, but I don’t know if I trust myself.
I’m not in a good place right now. With this crap going on in my head all the time, I’m leanig towards ending it all. At the same time, I am still able to pull myself from th edge. But it’s becoming a daily battle.
I am gonna have to tell my doc… ugh. I hate admitting to this stuff. I feel so weak…
Yesterday was another school’s graduation that my bestie who has POTS goes to. I was really wanting to go to the ceremony, but I had to work, so I only got to go to her party. Which is just fine with me because their ceremony takes three hours to get through everything and I did not want to sit through that.
Anyways, my mom and I stopped in to give her a card and just say our congratulations. I was actually pretty tickled with the card I got her. I am a big fan of humor and the card that cracked me up the most was grad card for preschoolers. It wasn’t supposed to be there, but it was so perfect. It said, “You think preschool was fun?” And then on the inside it said, “Just wait until you get to kindergarten!” Haha! My mom and I couldn’t stop laughing.
Ok… I’m getting off topic now. I stopped in and you had to go through the house to get to the backyard where everybody was. I had Keen with me because this big party with people I don’t know is not my scene. Pretty much everybody was pretty laid back about it and Keen was awesome. He didn’t growl at all until a kid came up and roughly scratched his head (an appropriate response in my opinion). My bestie gave me a hug and said the usual “how’d you do’s.”
I try to keep my anxiety level under wraps when it comes to her because she gets very empathetic. I did pretty well until I went to take my sunglasses off and I was shaking so much I dropped them. She ended up getting sidetracked with greeting more people, so I didn’t think she noticed. That is until I got a text from her saying she noticed and was asking how I’m doing. It’s not that I don’t like people caring about me. It’s more that I don’t like being noticed in my weaker state, so I stand in a dark corner and avoid any conversation.
So I have mentioned before that I have severe PTSD when I am riding or driving in a car. I set a doctors appointment and they prescribed sleep… Which meant sleeping pills. They thought that it would get better if I just got more sleep. Well I have been getting sleep and it’s not much better.
After the doctors appointment I felt very ashamed about my PTSD and my inability to so much as sit in a car. So, I began to hide it. Before I would viably shake and have constant flashbacks and start crying. I have resorted to using every fiber in my body to keep my panic attacks under wraps as best I could.
My parents stopped dreading going anywhere with me, and siblings don’t look at me like I am weird and messed up in the head (although that’s half right). The only thing is that now I grind my teeth, get stomach aches, and still have flashbacks. The difference is that the flashbacks aren’t quite so vivid. Meaning that the flashbacks cause me to have tunnel vision instead of going completely blind.
As crazy as this may seem, having these physically pains from my PTSD is worth not being looked down on. My family doesn’t understand what is going onin my head, so I don’t bother trying to explain. I am sorry to say that I am ashamed of my flashbacks and my constant suppositions while I sit in this tin box.
I was kind of proud of myself because I didn’t actually pay attention to the stigma against mental illness, but I actually do. I can talk openly about my anxiety induced seizures because people can understand due to it being something they can see. But when it comes to my PTSD and depression, I keep it hidden. The only living thing knows and understands what I am going through is Keen.
He is always there to make sure that we get home safe. He is always able to let me know that I need to pull over and let me hold him. He understands that this is a constant battle and that I need someone to lean on occasionally. He is my wingman when I’m out on coffee dates. Always able to give me an excuse to leave and gather myself.
You know what the best thing is? He will never judge me.
I haven’t been able to concentrate very well, but I hope this post isn’t too muddled up…
My little brother asked me the other day if I think of Keen as being my best friend. You would think think the obvious answer would be yes. Well, it’s not. I don’t quite know what I see our relationship as being. That might seem a bit daft, but I am looking at him through the eyes of depression.
I look at him and see all his faults. He needs to get better about this and that (For example, I can’t fly with him until he gets past this aggression he has with strange people). I then begin to think that I just shouldn’t bother. He doesn’t deserve to be stuck with a screw up like me. So, I rebel against myself and shut him out of my room. A few minutes later I let him in because I can’t handle him not being with me.
Whether I would like to believe it or not, I can’t do without him. He is my right arm and to ask me to go somewhere without him is like leaving my confidence and my right arm behind. I don’t know when this bout of depression will end, but I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not seeing things clearly. Eventually, the fog will lift and I will be able to see Keen for who he really is to me. I just hope that time comes soon.
I have been feeling very… Good theses past couple days. It is very strange because I have had to make some tough choices. I had to back out of my relationship with my bestie for a time. I don’t know how long, but as long as I need. The really weird thing is that once I made that decision, I felt so relieved.
I felt as if a ton of bricks had been lifted off me. I later told my mom and she said it was the right thing to do. After she said that, my anxiety level went up. I find that my anxiety is so much worse after the event occurs than during or before. I am anxious before and during, but it doubles once it is over. It is almost like I’m in shock.
My anxiety becomes more visible. My teeth start chattering and I get very shaky. The day I had made the decision, Keen was very whiny. Annoyingly whiny. I got really mad at one point and yelled at him. He then got off the chair, but didn’t leave the room like he usually does when my temper flares. Instead, he came and rested his head on my lap and whined.
I was not getting what he was telling me until he wouldn’t stop looking at me. I then became aware of my anxiety. He jumped on lap and it seemed to soothe him. Haha! I have never heard of a nail biting dog, but Keen turns out to be one of them.
I have no way to calm myself down so I just ride it out. This stresses Keen out so he tends to start chewing on his nails. I think it is so weird, but feel a bit guilty because I’m the cause. Sometimes I think the DPT is mostly for his consolation. The nice thing is that I don’t have to clip his nails. But I still need to probably get him to stop.
Since then, I find that my temper hasn’t been out of hand since. At least not toward him. Thus making him much more trusting and well behaved. I also got him a new winter vest from Ruffwear. I am going to sew patches on it of course, but it is so crazy how I am more excited when I get him stuff than myself. It makes me happy when he’s happy.
I also got a red light band that goes on his collar because I find that we go to a lot of dark places. Like youth group during worship and the movie theater. We have a problem of people not seeing him and stepping on him. That is a down side to having a black dog. Sometimes I wish that I had a huge mobile flashing sign that said “SERVICE DOG DO NOT PET.” But this is the closest I’ll get.
Keen in his new vest