Oh my gosh… I probably had the most productive day in a while. I went to town this morning then went on a 5 hour ride with my dad on his Harlley. When we got back, we went to dinner with some family friends until 8 pm. I thought I’d be exhausted, but I can’t SLEEP!
The reason I probably can’t sleep is because I have been sleeping for five days straight. My mom thinks it’s probably because my liver is still healing and my vacation was not all that relaxing. So I am also catching up on the sleep i should have gotten. Boring, but apparently necessary.
I’m also stressing about going to live with my aunt. I don’t know how long I’ll be there, but at least a few months. With that in mind, I will have to get a job in order to continue to feed Noble. I’m a little nervous, but still looking forward to it. I need to get out of this house. I just keep falling back into a dark place.
Last night was absolutely one of the worst nights I’ve ever had. I didn’t sleep a wink the night before because I was worried about my doctor’s appointment, so I was exhausted by the time bedtime came around. I had my typical butterflies in my stomach at the beginning, but by 11 pm my heart was beating so fast that my limbs were getting numb.
I have had anxiety/panic attacks before, but they had never lasted this long. I was so terrified that I was having a heart attack that I went to my parents. They noticed it was an anxiety attack and tried to help me calm down. My mom kept saying that she was sorry for being angry that I went to the doctor without telling them. She said that she didn’t know my anxiety was this bad.
That alone helped me calm down a little bit, but I didn’t successfully stop the anxiety attack till 7 am. I called in sick to work and just slept. I had to catch up on two nights of sleep, so I didn’t wake up till3:30 pm today. I didn’t even wake up to eat anything. I finally feel rested and ready to go. It seems that I got medication three days too late. I am praying that I make it to the weekend.
I am a very… Routine oriented person. There is another word for it, but I can’t remember it at the the moment. I became this way after my TBI. The only way I could remember anything was if I kept a routine. I had a locker at our house in third grade that we called my memory station.
Whenever I came home, I would put everything in there. When it was time to do homework, I knew where it would be and knew where to put it when I was done. And when I left the house again, I would take everything that was in there to school again. My parents would check the things I had in there to make sure I wasn’t carrying around stuff that I didn’t need.
My sleep routine? Well, I could never get to sleep. After about a month of functioning under lack of sleep, my doctor decided to have me take benedryl before going to bed. That helped a lot. Over the past nine years, however, I have been on and off of benedryl. There would be a point where I didn’t really need to take it, so I would ween myself off it. Then, after about a year, I would start taking it again.
So, I have had trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep for most of my life. As I have gotten older, I have trouble turning my brain off. I am not taking benedryl at the moment, so I don’t have any aid in turning it off. I have discovered a good way to help though.
I have a fan on and a movie playing. My mom recently discovered that I have a movie playing at night (yup. I live in that kind of household). And she didn’t understand why I have it playing if I’m not watching it. The reason is because night time is when all the dark thoughts come, and memories I’d rather forget are remembered. The movie serves as a distraction.
It is midnight right now, so I am having trouble getting to sleep. Keen is curled up next to me, oblivious to most everything. I have discovered two spiders in my bed so far (another reason I can’t sleep). I have an early morning tomorrow… And a stressful one. I will save that post for later this morning.
Well, I have finally gathered all my guts, and scheduled an appointment to take the permit test. I did Driver’s Ed two years ago and got my permit. I do not have my driver’s lisence because when my permit was about to expire, I could not drive. I would panic and stop the car, get out, and get in the back of the car. And I hadn’t even pulled out of the driveway.
My parents would get mad at me because I didn’t want to take the driving test. Until we were on the way home from church, and my mom turned around to give the speech. I told her that I wasn’t going to take the test and all went quiet (Nah… I’m not stubborn. XP).
A couple minutes later, she turns around and says, “do you not want to take it because you are afraid that you will have an episode?” I nodded and they didn’t mention it again until I started to make enough progress that I could take it. Successfully. Without interruption…
So, I am taking the test at 10:30 AM on July 13th. I am not going to ask for any accommodations. I’m just going to go in and get it done. Pass or fail, I am going to be proud of myself for taking the chance.