Going Back To Work

Tomorrow is my first day back at work. I’m worrying about it of course, but I am itching to get back to work. To feel the exhaustion and sore muscles after hard day’s work. There is nothing like it… And I love it.

My employers are awesome and extremely supportive, so I’m not too worried about being picked on for taking two and a half weeks off work. I am worried about the questions about why I was in the hospital. But I’ve got vague answers figured out that will hopefully satisfy them.

I finally have my routine sorted out again, which brings me to another topic. While I was in the hospital, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). That is why I have to have my day planned down to the minute and can’t be changed. If it does get changed, I have a panic attack.

They also believe that I am on autism spectrum. I don’t think I am, but apparently I show a lot of signs. OCD being one of them. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that, but I haven’t been diagnosed with it so I don’t have to worry. Yet…

It’s not that I don’t want to be diagnosed autistic, but rather it would bring a whole view of myself. I don’t think I can handle one more thing to cope with right now. I don’t think I am severely autistic, but it would make sense why I have issues in social settings. Maybe it’s not just my anxiety. Maybe the anxiety is caused by the autism.

Anyways, I just wanted to get some things off my chest before I tried to sleep. Most likely I will be laying awake all night with my racing thoughts. I will try to sleep nevertheless. So… Goodnight everybody!


Follow Up Appointment

I am currently sitting in a coffee shop waiting for it to be time to go to my follow up appointment. I am absolutely terrified. My appointment is at this institution for mental health, and I don’t know what to expect. I’m not sure what this appointment entails.

I know it will be a lot of paperwork, but I’m not sure if I am just going to get accepted into the program or what. I am not bringing Noble because he will be just one more stressor. Ugh… I hate it when you get so anxious that you get physically uncomfortable.

I wish I could do a test run so that I know what to expect. Life would be so much easier ifwe could have test runs. But life has to be difficult, so we don’t get test runs. It’s stupid, but true. All I have been doing the past couple days is sleeping and moving.

My family just moved to a new house, so I amĀ very slowly moving mystuff to the new place. My energy is drained so easily these days. A shower is so exhausting that I sleep for three hours afterwards (Which leaves me with bed head).

I’m probably just rambling now. I will let you guys know how everything goes.

12 Hour Anxiety Attack

Last night was absolutely one of the worst nights I’ve ever had. I didn’t sleep a wink the night before because I was worried about my doctor’s appointment, so I was exhausted by the time bedtime came around. I had my typical butterflies in my stomach at the beginning, but by 11 pm my heart was beating so fast that my limbs were getting numb.

I have had anxiety/panic attacks before, but they had never lasted this long. I was so terrified that I was having a heart attack that I went to my parents. They noticed it was an anxiety attack and tried to help me calm down. My mom kept saying that she was sorry for being angry that I went to the doctor without telling them. She said that she didn’t know my anxiety was this bad.

That alone helped me calm down a little bit, but I didn’t successfully stop the anxiety attack till 7 am. I called in sick to work and just slept. I had to catch up on two nights of sleep, so I didn’t wake up till3:30 pm today. I didn’t even wake up to eat anything. I finally feel rested and ready to go. It seems that I got medication three days too late. I am praying that I make it to the weekend.

Quick learner

I mentioned before that Keen doesn’t know what to do when I go into an epsiode. So, I have been training him to respond by licking my eyes. It’s weird, but it works. I went about training him to lick my eyes on command by smearing peanut butter (which I hate… I guess I took one for the team) on my eyes.

He would start licking it and I would tell him good Alert. That is what I decided to call the command. I would do it every so often to the point that whenever I would say alert, he would lick my eyes. I was going to stage an “episode,” but I never got around to it.

A couple nights ago, I was in bed and listening to music. I had a headache, but I really wanted to sing to this song. So, I compromised and breathed to the song… I was tired. Anyways, one of the things I do in an epsiode is hyperventilate. 

So Keen got up and immediately started licking my face. He then resorted to just lying on me and licking my face. I couldn’t tell him to stop because he was licking my mouth too (EWW!). I started petting him and he calmed down. He ended up sleep on me that night.

I was so proud of how quickly he learned what the command was for. So now whenever I stat hyperventilating, whether on purpose or not, he starts licking me. I was once doing a laugh where all you can hear is breathing in a store, and Keen was so confused on what to do. Because I was standing and he can’t reach my face when I’m standing.

He is certainly make progress and will have it down in no time.

Anxiety Attack

Whoo! It was a tough day today. I groomed the big Newfoundland yesterday and she went home this morning. It took me two hours to brush all of her mats out. And another hour to get her bathed. Well the lady ended up calling to complain that I didn’t shave her haunches and underbelly. 

When my boss called to tell me that, I was in the middle of doing two grooms. When I got off the phone, I just collapsed in a hot, shaky heap. Keen was on top of me in seconds. Licking me all over trying to get me to come out of it. I was panicking in the midst of my episode because I still had a dog on the table. 

About 5-10 minutes later, it finally stopped. I was exhausted. Thankfully, the dog I was doing was a small one. Otherwise, I probably wouldn’t have been able to finish the groom. Keen was by my side and whining for rest of the time I was at the kennel. Him doing that meant that I wasn’t completely clear of another episode. So, when I finished the groom, I had my mom come get me. 

I am not a social person. I don’t know how to deal with a negative social situation, hence my social anxiety. The news of an unsatisfied customer and having to redo the dog, sent me over the edge. I kept my cool for the few minutes I was on the phone. I am somehow able to finish the task that makes me anxious. When I was at school and I was anxious about a test I was taking, I wouldn’t have an episode until after I completed the test.

It is very convenient, but it always ends in an epsiode. Now that I have Keen, he alerts me to my anxiety during the task so that I know I need to take a break. Which prevents the episode at the end of the task. Anyways, when I got home and relaxed, I finally calmed down. I think I might even be able to handle the angry lady… Next week. I will save that worry for when it’s viable…