I have been completely spacing writing on my blog the past couple weeks. I have been extremely busy during the holidays. I’ve been working with Noble on public access everyday, which takes about an hour from my day. He has been doing awesome.
I have also been busy looking for an apartment. My family is going to be moving out of the house we are currently in, so I decided it was perfect timing for me to move on. I thought job hunting was hard, but house hunting is proving to be much more difficult with a dog.
I had a friend that was willing to get an apartment with me, but she bailed. So, I have to find a place that I alone can afford. I am growing impatient. I want to move out NOW. I want to be truly independent. I want to be an adult that can fix her own problems.
I guess we’ll see how this turns out. I’m praying that I can get a place before January ends, but that may be unrealistic.
I have been exhausted by 4 o’clock every day the past couple of weeks. I had another anxiety attack last Sunday night and was not ready to go to work Monday… but I did anyway. I don’t think I was very pleasant to be around.
I had anxious jitters all day Tuesday because I was gonna have to ask my boss if I can start bringing Noble. My parents were headed out of town and Noble couldn’t sit in a kennel for ten hours. You can read more about how it went on my Service dog blog or my Facebook page. To sum it up, I was absolutely terrified, but it all worked out great.
My brother-in-law was out of town, so I was alone at work last week. That went a lot better than I planned as well. I have a coworker who has autism that makes him move very slowly. I worked with him all last week and he broke down crying Tuesday because the guys at the other shop were beating him up. Both verbally and physically.
There are two shops called the interior and exterior shop. I work at the exterior shop because the other shop sprays lacquer and my dog can’t breathe that stuff. My coworker has been working on the interior shop and they call him terrible names, throw thing at him… hard, stick things on his clothes without telling him, and leave him at work so he has to walk home.
Anyways, he poured his heart out about how is so stupid because he can’t keep up with everybody, and I did my best to cheer him up. Turned out it worked and I had my boss keep him at my shop from now on. My other coworkers at my shop and I also make sure he always has a ride home.
It breaks my heart to see people so broken because of what other day or do. I know what it is like to have shortcomings and to be teased because of them. I have been dealing with a lot of emotional things as you can see, so I haven’t had much time to post anything.
I hope this post suffices and thank you for reading!
Well… I had an interesting day today. I was unloading a drying rack of some cedar soffit, and the rack tipped and dumped three boards right on my head. I absolutely hate showing weakness in public, so I just walked on and said I was fine. In reality, my head was ringing, and a headache was growing.
Sure enough, my stupid disorder brought what I was feeling to the surface. I zoned out a couple times without knowing and my co worker freaked out. So, my brother in law pulls me aside and told me that my mom was coming and to sit and wait for her. I pretend to be nonchalant, but I feel totally and completely defeated.
It is like high school all over again. I’m constantly afraid that I might start seizing or zone out and get someone else in danger. I am just… Crushed. I was hoping that I had gotten past the conversion disorder. That my entering adulthood had fixed it. Now, I don’t have a service dog again and I want to back out.
I don’t want to have to take it one day at a time anymore. It was so damn hard to fight this the first time. I lost thousands of times before I finally got a win. Now, I’m back on a losing streak. Life seems to be throwing one thing after another at me. I am still recovering from my confrontation last week, and then this is thrown at me.
I am embarrassed to show my face at work again. My coworkers now know how weak I am. I have tried so hard to hide it. This was the first time that my brother in law has seen me in that state, and I wanted to run and hide from the fearful look he gave me. I don’t want all this extra attention.
When I’m feeling crappy, I want to be invisible and have no one care about me. It’s just easier that way. I don’t have to worry about other people being afraid for me… Or disappointed. I’m afraid of people being as disappointed in me as I am. I just don’t want to deal…
This week has been chock full of drama so far. My coworker, D, that I told you about in my previous post was the main issue. He pushed a little too hard yesterday and I blew up… supposedly. I just asked him if he keeps bringing up a situation to make me feel stupid.
He said no and then I told him to quit bringing it up and I meant to leave it at that. He then went so far as to yell that I need to toughen up if I can’t take it, and that I won’t make it long in the real world. I was speechless at this point because he is a 58 year old guy picking on an eighteen year old girl.
My brother in law stepped in at that point and said that he needs to knock it off because I already asked him nicely. But D kept going. Whoo! I have never had to deal with this kind of bullying, but I handled it a lot better than I thought I did. I turned around and said very slowly and loudly to “shut the hell up.”
I am not the kind of person that uses strong language. The only time I do is if I’m angry. My two other coworkers then turned around and looked at me with shocked, smiling faces and D went quiet.
Most of you know about my conversion disorder, but I will explain it again. Conversion disorder is where my brain shows psychological stress in a physical manner. Such as seizures, paralysis, or numbness. My feet were numb all day yesterday after I confronted D. I’m just really glad I didn’t go into one of my seizures. It was a really close call.
Anyways, D ended up not coming back after lunch and sent our boss an email saying he quit because he didn’t want to work with “snobby little girls.” I was afraid that I was gonna get chewed out but everybody was telling me good job. Guys from our other shop came over just to tell me that I handled the situation awesomely.
I wish they would have told me that yesterday because I had a stress migraine and was absolutely exhausted. Although I still haven’t gotten the sleep I needed because Noble woke me up every… single… hour last night. Ugh… I’m so over this puppy stage. I just want to sleep for one night! Is that too much to ask?
Well… I decided, once again, to create a separate blog to dialogue Noble’s progress. The blog is called Noble Devotion. I will only be posting once a week on this blog, until I get a schedule down. I want to keep this blog about my struggles, and Noble Devotion about Noble’s and my struggles while training.
Anyways, feel free to follow my other blog to here more details about Noble. I will still post post a picture of Noble here and there on this blog, but not quite as often. And here is a recent photo of Noble… he has doubled in size since we have gotten him.