Sleep… Why do you hide?

Oh my gosh… I probably had the most productive day in a while. I went to town this morning then went on a 5 hour ride with my dad on his Harlley. When we got back, we went to dinner with some family friends until 8 pm. I thought I’d be exhausted, but I can’t SLEEP!

The reason I probably can’t sleep is because I have been sleeping for five days straight. My mom thinks it’s probably because my liver is still healing and my vacation was not all that relaxing. So I am also catching up on the sleep i should have gotten. Boring, but apparently necessary.

I’m also stressing about going to live with my aunt. I don’t know how long I’ll be there, but at least a few months. With that in mind, I will have to get a job in order to continue to feed Noble. I’m a little nervous, but still looking forward to it. I need to get out of this house. I just keep falling back into a dark place.

The Middle Man

Since I have been needing rides in order to go places, I tend to have a conversation with the person driving. The two main people that drive me places is my mom and my older sister, Emma. I have become my moms best friend. She tells me everything. My sister and I have always been close and she tells me everything.

I feel as if I have taken the role as the middle man. My mom and sister have been fighting with one another. My mom has been pressuring Emma to get all her finances in order for college, and she is feeling stressed. Emma doesn’t like being home because my mom is there, so she is rarely ever home. 

My mom rarely ever leaves and when she does, the topic is Emma and how she needs to stop procrastinating and so on. I feel like I’m a therapist and have patient doctor confidentiality. I can never say much because I can’t say what is really on my mind. My mom will say something like “She doesn’t ever save her money.” And I know she does.

I feel extremely… Stuck. I want to go to college myself to get a degree in business. But after hearing the things they are saying, I find myself doubting myself. I just feel college is unobtainable to me. I am taking my HiSET because my anxiety disorder prevents me from finishing a day.

Since the fight has been going on, I find that I have been depressed. I am considering going back to school because all the scholarships I see are for people with good grades. I don’t know if I would be able to even apply because I dropped out of high school to get my HiSET. I don’t know how that goes. I just don’t know what to do…