You have probably guessed by my previous post that I have been in the hospital for the past month. After being released in March, I went back after near attempt at suicide again. I packed up all my things and drove the two hours to the psych hospital.
After being in the psych unit for a week, I was not getting any better. I continued to isolate and still had the urge to kill myself. That was when my provider and I decided that the best option was for me to be committed to the state hospital. I was at peace with that decision and had to go to court before I was sent off in handcuffs to the hospital.
I was absolutely terrified of what it would be like. You here a lot of horror stories about the state hospital in the psych unit. There was one patient in the psych unit that prepared me for what it was really like. She even gave me her contact information to call her if I got scared or confused. I was so touched.
Once I arrived at the hospital, I got entered into the system, showered, and walked up to the unit I would be in. When I first walked in, I realized that it was no different from the psych unit (It was actually a little better). There were two TVs with couches and tables. Our rooms had a sink, and a closet with a desk attached to the wall. The beds were so comfy and you could open your window.
They brought me something to eat since I arrived at 8pm. Their food was terrible, but still edible. When you were really hungry, the food was a delicacy (Not that rare of an occurance). They gave me my meds through a little window in the med room door. I thought it was actually kind fun (I’m weird that way).
The best part was that you could turn off all your lights. In the psych unit, they had a “night-light” in the rooms that were more like an artificial sun. I must have the room dark in order to sleep, so I was able to get another hour or two of sleep that night…
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I promised to fill you guys in on the bad stuff going on today, so here goes…
The majority of it is finances. The cost to stay in the psych hospital in $10,000 a day and I was there for ten days with two ER trips and an EEG. So I have some pretty big bills coming my way. I had my social working on getting me some health insurance, but just found out I don’t qualify for any that she can find. Stupid.
Now I have started the process of finding and applying to health insurance companies that I can find. So, in swamped with paperwork. While I was about to print some crucial information for my applications, our printer crashed. Now I have to find some way to finish the application before time runs out.
I am still looking for a place of my own, so I have been picking up even more applications for the past couple weeks. The only thing is that I have to get Noble licensed by the city. I didn’t know I had to. I went online to get him licensed, but turns out that my town still uses snail mail. I sent his paperwork out today, but it will probably be a while.
It is way past my bedtime, so I’m gonna leave it at that and call it a night. I will pick up where I left off on Thursday.
Tomorrow is my first day back at work. I’m worrying about it of course, but I am itching to get back to work. To feel the exhaustion and sore muscles after hard day’s work. There is nothing like it… And I love it.
My employers are awesome and extremely supportive, so I’m not too worried about being picked on for taking two and a half weeks off work. I am worried about the questions about why I was in the hospital. But I’ve got vague answers figured out that will hopefully satisfy them.
I finally have my routine sorted out again, which brings me to another topic. While I was in the hospital, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). That is why I have to have my day planned down to the minute and can’t be changed. If it does get changed, I have a panic attack.
They also believe that I am on autism spectrum. I don’t think I am, but apparently I show a lot of signs. OCD being one of them. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that, but I haven’t been diagnosed with it so I don’t have to worry. Yet…
It’s not that I don’t want to be diagnosed autistic, but rather it would bring a whole view of myself. I don’t think I can handle one more thing to cope with right now. I don’t think I am severely autistic, but it would make sense why I have issues in social settings. Maybe it’s not just my anxiety. Maybe the anxiety is caused by the autism.
Anyways, I just wanted to get some things off my chest before I tried to sleep. Most likely I will be laying awake all night with my racing thoughts. I will try to sleep nevertheless. So… Goodnight everybody!
My follow up appointment went fine. It was just getting me into the system. There is a long waiting list to get a therapist or psychiatrist, so I’ve got to find something to help me cope until then. Guess what it is? Support groups.
I have never gone to a support group, and the only thing I know about them is what I have seen in the movies. You know… You sit in a big room at church in a circle and tell your story to people. I have gone to two group so far and I like them.
They are very chill and we sit in a room with couches and talk. It starts out with telling how you are feeling today, and then we start talking about a topic. Today’s topic was radical acceptance. It is mainly about how you need to accept who you are with your issues, without feeling shameful.
That is something I definetly need to work on. I am really nervous about going to work because of all the questions. My brother-in-law told everybody that I have been in the hospital because I was having a lot of seizures. It’s not a lie because I was originally admitted because I was having my non-epileptic seizures due to the stress of me being suicidal. And me having a plan that I intended on following through with.
Anyways, I am SO ready to get back to work. My emploers have been so awesome and were willing to give me a month off if I needed it. They were very adamant that I do not need to worry about work, and just need to get better. I’m not 100% yet, but I intend to stick it out until I am. I am not someone who can just sit around the house. I have to do something.
I have been exhausted by 4 o’clock every day the past couple of weeks. I had another anxiety attack last Sunday night and was not ready to go to work Monday… but I did anyway. I don’t think I was very pleasant to be around.
I had anxious jitters all day Tuesday because I was gonna have to ask my boss if I can start bringing Noble. My parents were headed out of town and Noble couldn’t sit in a kennel for ten hours. You can read more about how it went on my Service dog blog or my Facebook page. To sum it up, I was absolutely terrified, but it all worked out great.
My brother-in-law was out of town, so I was alone at work last week. That went a lot better than I planned as well. I have a coworker who has autism that makes him move very slowly. I worked with him all last week and he broke down crying Tuesday because the guys at the other shop were beating him up. Both verbally and physically.
There are two shops called the interior and exterior shop. I work at the exterior shop because the other shop sprays lacquer and my dog can’t breathe that stuff. My coworker has been working on the interior shop and they call him terrible names, throw thing at him… hard, stick things on his clothes without telling him, and leave him at work so he has to walk home.
Anyways, he poured his heart out about how is so stupid because he can’t keep up with everybody, and I did my best to cheer him up. Turned out it worked and I had my boss keep him at my shop from now on. My other coworkers at my shop and I also make sure he always has a ride home.
It breaks my heart to see people so broken because of what other day or do. I know what it is like to have shortcomings and to be teased because of them. I have been dealing with a lot of emotional things as you can see, so I haven’t had much time to post anything.
I hope this post suffices and thank you for reading!
Well… I decided, once again, to create a separate blog to dialogue Noble’s progress. The blog is called Noble Devotion. I will only be posting once a week on this blog, until I get a schedule down. I want to keep this blog about my struggles, and Noble Devotion about Noble’s and my struggles while training.
Anyways, feel free to follow my other blog to here more details about Noble. I will still post post a picture of Noble here and there on this blog, but not quite as often. And here is a recent photo of Noble… he has doubled in size since we have gotten him.
Well… I forgot that I’m taking my ACT tomorrow until I got my reminder. Now I am stressing. Then I found out that the same weekend I’m getting my puppy, Noble, some of my family is going to be staying with us for a big conference that we are all going to. Yeah… Now I’m really stressing.
It will be a change to get used to having a puppy in the house again and having to potty train and everything. I do not want there to be a chance that I won’t have an escape. I’m not sure how that first weekend is gonna go. I have a feeling that I will have a mental breakdown or two… And me crying myself to sleep at night.
I’m not looking forward to it. Really truly. I intend on going to this conference, but probably for only part of it. The conference is going to last from the 23rd to the 25th, and they last the whole day. They are cut into three sections during the day, so I will probably only have a chance to go to one. I don’t want to leave Noble in a kennel all day.
Although, he will mainly be in his kennel for the next month during potty training. He will also have a limited access to water… I am gonna have to “puppy proof” the house… Again. Oh but I cannot wait. The day could not come sooner. I need a dog. I do not do well without a dog. Whether it be a service dog or just a pet. I just have to have that relationship.
I have some last minute studying to do, so I should probably get to it. I will probably just be skimming through the bullet points on how to strategically work through the problems. Ugh… I love taking tests, but I do not like it when they sneak up on me… AT ALL.