Sleep… Why do you hide?

Oh my gosh… I probably had the most productive day in a while. I went to town this morning then went on a 5 hour ride with my dad on his Harlley. When we got back, we went to dinner with some family friends until 8 pm. I thought I’d be exhausted, but I can’t SLEEP!

The reason I probably can’t sleep is because I have been sleeping for five days straight. My mom thinks it’s probably because my liver is still healing and my vacation was not all that relaxing. So I am also catching up on the sleep i should have gotten. Boring, but apparently necessary.

I’m also stressing about going to live with my aunt. I don’t know how long I’ll be there, but at least a few months. With that in mind, I will have to get a job in order to continue to feed Noble. I’m a little nervous, but still looking forward to it. I need to get out of this house. I just keep falling back into a dark place.

Job Interviews and Spring Cleaning

Yup… That is what I am doing today. I’ve got a couple job interviews and I’m doing a bit of spring cleaning. So, nothing fun. One of the interviews is going to be a ride along for a paper route. I’m really hoping to get that job so I can maybe do the route on my bike.

I have been bike 20 miles every day lately. I have been loving it. It’s  good distraction from life because it doesn’t cost anything to do. I don’t have to worry about gas, just if I am hydrating enough. The only thing is that I can’t find the leash attachment to my bike, so I can’t take Noble with me. I’m thinking that I could just make a leash that will work till I can afford another one.

Other than the interviews, bike riding, and cleaning, I haven’t been doing much. I am still recovering from my most recent overdose. It has nearly destroyed my kidneys and damaged my liver. So, I’m having weekly blood draws to check my liver and kidney functions. Yippee… My arms are all bruised up because of how many blood draws I’ve had…

Scared and Angry

That seems to be all I am these days. Either scared, angry, or both. Not a very good combination. I am just so frustrated with how everything is turning out. Every time I try to pursue a change in my life, it blows up in my face or I mess something up. I am so done with this (If you haven’t noticed, this is the angry side of me talking)! I’m tired of being rejected or making a fool of myself. Just done.

It seems that I’m teetering on the edge now, and all it will take to send me over it is just one more negative thing. Whether it be forgetting to refill the shampoo bottle at work, or having a confrontation with someone. I just don’t know if I can take it any,ore. I just keep on messing things up and ruining my chances at moving away from the edge. I just keep proving time and time again at how much of a screw up I am.

I was really looking forward to getting a job I applied for and I had already gotten the phone interview, and they were still interested in me. Last week, I was in the process of setting up a time for my in person interview, but I forgot to call her back. I have a bit of a short term memory loss issue because of my TBI when I was eight, so I have a very strict schedule to help me to remember all the necessary things.

When we went out of town last weekend, it put my schedule out of whack. So, I forgot to call her back. Now it is almost Thursday and I haven’t called her back for a week. I was really looking forward to the job, but I am afraid of being turned down because of my be late. I don’t even know if I have time to meet for an interview anyway. My boss will be out of town till the 24th of this month starting this Sunday. I know… I’m screwed.

I am just so disappointed in myself. No. Not disappointed. Disgusted. The thing that has helped me get my life back is now preventing me from obtaining a livelihood (Keen). When you get a dog, the most frustrating thing that a trainer will ALWAYS point out is that “the dog is not the problem. The handler is.” Your dog will reflect you and your training. 

So, if you go to a person and ask them, “Can you fix my dog?” They will find the problem in the way you are talking to your dog, handling your dog, or the way you are feeling when you are handling the dog. Ugh! I was told the last one in my visit. I was told that I am going to have to stop feeling anxious when he starts acting up. That just makes me want to scream. I got Keen to be specifically trained to help me work through my anxiety problems. He not turning out the way I thought.

I better stop here. My anger is rising as I continue to write. 

Meant to be?

I finally decided to quit grooming. I called my boss up and told her to not schedule anymore grooms because I am done. I thought it would be a really quick phone call, but it took 45 minutes for me to quit. When I first told her, she acted like she was expecting it. She showered me with compliments and told me how well other people thought I was doing. I thanked her and then said I don’t have the patience for it anymore, so it wouldn’t be wise for me to continue.

We finally came to a compromise of me just bathing dogs that come in to be boarded. Which is something I was actually thinking to continue anyways. As soon as I hung up the phone, I checked my email and I had four people contact me about coming in for a interview. I am going to take that as a sign that it was meant to be.

I also had a business call me for a phone interview which I begrudgingly accepted. I do not answer my phone because my anxiety gets worse on the phone. It’s like my anxious brain starts screaming at me, so I can’t hear the person on the phone. That leads me to just saying yes to whatever they are asking me and ending the phone call with no idea what was said. 

Anyways, I called the business back and followed through with the phone interview. It went a lot better than I thought it would. I even remembered what was said. When we were wrapping up the interview, the lady asked if there was anything else I wanted them to know. I thought about telling them I had Keen, but I decided against it. I will just let them know when I go to the onsite interview, otherwise I will be written off.

I did so much out of my comfort zone today. I’m actually very proud of myself. Today started out absolutely terrible. I had hit rock bottom once again, but as soon as I made a decision and acted on it, it all changed. It just amazes me how quickly it all changed. I will update you all on any interviews (or maybe even jobs?) I get.

Waiting…

I had another interview yesterday with a dog boarding facility and I love it. So, I am sitting and waiting to hear if I got a second interview. This job could possibly be just a summer thing, but I don’t care. I need to do something different. I need to be busy. I have been biking because I just want to stay busy. It is kind of like I’m running away from something. 

I think the thing I’m running from is just the fact that my friends are out enjoying their last month of high school. I really really really want to be around people all day. I don’t want the one sided conversations with dogs to be the only socialization I get. I need to be around people and with this new job, whatever it may be, I hope to get just that. 

I just thought I would let you all know what I’ve been doing and how the job interviews went. Sorry that this one is so short, my mind is a bit sluggish today due to a migraine. Which is probably caused by me stressing over finding a new job. Anyways, hope you all had a fantastic day!