Sleep… Why do you hide?

Oh my gosh… I probably had the most productive day in a while. I went to town this morning then went on a 5 hour ride with my dad on his Harlley. When we got back, we went to dinner with some family friends until 8 pm. I thought I’d be exhausted, but I can’t SLEEP!

The reason I probably can’t sleep is because I have been sleeping for five days straight. My mom thinks it’s probably because my liver is still healing and my vacation was not all that relaxing. So I am also catching up on the sleep i should have gotten. Boring, but apparently necessary.

I’m also stressing about going to live with my aunt. I don’t know how long I’ll be there, but at least a few months. With that in mind, I will have to get a job in order to continue to feed Noble. I’m a little nervous, but still looking forward to it. I need to get out of this house. I just keep falling back into a dark place.

Just Want To Sleep…

Today… I am writing because I am bored out of my mind. I am staying at my grandparent’s to build a prototypeof a business idea I have. I am here till tuesday and running out of things to do. I have almost completed the skeleton of my idea, but have to wait on some parts in order to continue.

I have kept this idea stored in my mind for so long, I don’t want to stop. I am actually seeing it work out. I have pitched my business plan to a couple people and they all really liked it. I am getting a lot of support now and help to make it come to life.

I thought my business plan was one of those that you keep thinking about, but never get around to doing. Boy was I wrong. When I first started, I had no idea how I was gonna start. It’s like me and sketching…

It takes me so long to actually get started, that I eventually forget and never do it. I was challenged by a relative to follow through with my plan and to see what happens. So far, I am so excited to start getting it manufactured. It will probably take me a while before I can because I have to get some sort of patent.

I don’t know how long that takes… I’m really praying it goes quickly. I have thought about selling my idea to get the money up front, but decided to sell it myself. I have plans for the money that I will make from it. For a good cause, mind you.

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Noble is still hard at work…

I have already taken my night meds about four hours ago, but they aren’t working
yet. Sometimes my mind is running so fast, that it overpowers the meds. Hate it when it happens, but it happens. That’s when I’m left staring blankly at a wall thinking about… Everything.

Tonight, though, I decided to put my mind to work and do some blogging. I apologize for the lack of posts. The past couple months, I have been in and out of hospitals for multiple reasons. Anyways, thought I might let you know I’m not dead… Good thing, too.

Job Interviews and Spring Cleaning

Yup… That is what I am doing today. I’ve got a couple job interviews and I’m doing a bit of spring cleaning. So, nothing fun. One of the interviews is going to be a ride along for a paper route. I’m really hoping to get that job so I can maybe do the route on my bike.

I have been bike 20 miles every day lately. I have been loving it. It’s  good distraction from life because it doesn’t cost anything to do. I don’t have to worry about gas, just if I am hydrating enough. The only thing is that I can’t find the leash attachment to my bike, so I can’t take Noble with me. I’m thinking that I could just make a leash that will work till I can afford another one.

Other than the interviews, bike riding, and cleaning, I haven’t been doing much. I am still recovering from my most recent overdose. It has nearly destroyed my kidneys and damaged my liver. So, I’m having weekly blood draws to check my liver and kidney functions. Yippee… My arms are all bruised up because of how many blood draws I’ve had…

12 Hour Anxiety Attack

Last night was absolutely one of the worst nights I’ve ever had. I didn’t sleep a wink the night before because I was worried about my doctor’s appointment, so I was exhausted by the time bedtime came around. I had my typical butterflies in my stomach at the beginning, but by 11 pm my heart was beating so fast that my limbs were getting numb.

I have had anxiety/panic attacks before, but they had never lasted this long. I was so terrified that I was having a heart attack that I went to my parents. They noticed it was an anxiety attack and tried to help me calm down. My mom kept saying that she was sorry for being angry that I went to the doctor without telling them. She said that she didn’t know my anxiety was this bad.

That alone helped me calm down a little bit, but I didn’t successfully stop the anxiety attack till 7 am. I called in sick to work and just slept. I had to catch up on two nights of sleep, so I didn’t wake up till3:30 pm today. I didn’t even wake up to eat anything. I finally feel rested and ready to go. It seems that I got medication three days too late. I am praying that I make it to the weekend.

Blankets

Warning: This post may be triggering for some people…
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I love blankets. Growing up, my grandma always made us a quilt every couple years for our birthdays. I love blankets because they hold so much memory and meaning, especially when they were a gift. I have blankets from two of my friends and whenever I wrap myself up in them, I feel as if they are giving me a hug. 
My grandma’s most recent quilt she made me, was given to me a few years ago. I don’t ever use it, and I think she is a bit offended by it. The thing is that the blanket holds bad memories for me. She gave it to me when I was admitted to the psych ward and then transferred to the surgical ward when they discovered I was malnourished.

 
I can’t even handle looking at it without the terrible feelings and memories that are linked to it, rush back. That year was hell for me. I will probably never forget it. The year before I was admitted, was spent trying to get a diagnoses for my seizures. I spent more of my time getting multiple EEGs, than I did at school.
After I was finally diagnosed with non electro graphic seizures, I was sent into a rapid spiral down to severe depression. People kept telling me that I can’t control my seizures and that it’s not my fault. Then I would have one and I remember waking to my parents or other family members discussing how angry they were that I kept having them. My dad being the worst culprit for telling me that I was faking it.
Every negative thing just sent me deeper and deeper into the depression, until I just had enough. I began planning and preparing for my exit from this world. Two years ago today, I was going to kill myself. I was saying goodbye to a friend and before I knew it, my mom was in my room. Reading my will and scolding me for ever thinking of committing suicide.
I was admitted to the hospital the next day and sent to the psych ward. I woke up the next morning, after being admitted to the psych ward, in the emergency room. I had had another one of my seizures during the night and the on call Doctor wanted to get me an EEG. He didn’t believe that it was a non electro graphic seizure. He said it looked too real. 
So, I was sent to get another EEG taken that revealed it was indeed one of my usual seizures. I was then sent back to the ward to sleep, and I woke up again in the emergency room because of a high temperature of 103 degrees Fahrenheit. They ran tests and discovered I hadn’t eaten in nine days. 
I was the. Sent to the surgical ward to get weened off the migraine medication that caused my loss of appetite, and to get a feeding tube inserted. That is where I met J and his service dog, Grace. That is when I got the blanket. My grandma laid the blanket on my hospital bed and looked at me with disappointment. 
That is when the guilt and shame began. That look is all I see when my grandma looks at me. Disappointment. So, I don’t use the blanket that holds all that shame, guilt, disappointment, and painful memories. I know that is all my family sees in me anymore, and it really hurts. I gave up. I couldn’t keep strong.

Decided To Go

Well… I decided to go on the road trip to see my grandparents. Oh my goodness. I am regretting it. 

On very rare occasions, I am so stressed/anxious that I feel the need to clean. I was so anxious yesterday because I had to confront my boss about getting my paycheck on time, call a lady backto set up a time for my second interview, and make a decision on going on the trip, that I cleaned. A LOT. I mowed our humongous lawn, trimmed our humongous lawn, picked up poop, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned my room, vacuumed the house, and bathed Keen.

It was mainly me not avoiding doing the things I mentioned. I still haven’t called the lady back. I should probably do that, I just hate talking on the phone. Although, I did get my paycheck on time and I made the decision to go on the trip. The ride was miserable and I was so tense at every turn, that I’m sore and exhausted. I also think that another reason why I’m so tired is because my blood sugar is low. My stomach is in knots and have not had much of an appetite.

We arrived last night at around nine o’clock, but I didn’t get to sleep till about ten because I had to set up the tent. My grandparents’ house is really small, so I am sleeping in the tent I got last year. I’m actually not too disappointed by the fact because this is actually the first time I get to use it. I slept like a rock last night and didn’t wake up till 6:30 when Keen wanted fed. I think it was my first full night of sleep in… Six months or so.

Honestly, I woke up a little cranky. I was tired, sore, disappointed that the trip didn’t go the way I wanted it to. Anyways, we ate breakfast and then walked over to Target to get some stuff for our stay. Our big group of nine people and a dog got a lot of looks that early in the morning. It is Saturday and morning, so there weren’t very many people there. Just the way I like it. I got my stuf and checked out, then waited for my parents to finish. 

I was awkwardly standing to the side as everyone there spoke of my dog and how he was in a store. My mom then came up to me and said that there is another guy coming in with a service dog. I looked over over and immediately recognized the big bushy beard, limp, and the sayiwont shirt. I wasn’t absolutely positive until I saw his gorgeous red retriever, Liberty. That was Mat. He was one of the veterans in the group of guys that were good friends with J.

In case you don’t know, J is my second cousin’s husband. During my stay in the hospital, he had heard about me and what I was going through. He came and visited me with his service dog, Grace, and gave me the connections to get a dog of my own. After I was released from the hospital, I stayed with him and his family. That was when he introduced me to his group of veteran friends that were also suffering from CPTSD, and Mat was one of them. I went up and said a quick hello, then parted ways. He looked pretty stressed, so I kept it short.

I will try to keep you all posted, but might not write until I get back home. I’m supposed to be meeting with the lady who owns the service dog program, that trained Keen, tomorrow. I’m also supposed to be going to a big family reunion again… Ya. I don’t think I’ll be going. Anywho, try to keep you posted!

Road Trip

I am going on another dreaded road trip this weekend. We are going to visit my grandparents for the Fourth of July. I am getting the usual jitters and anxieties I get before a trip. It’s really frustrating when your family doesn’t understand what it’s like to deal with PTSD. The last time we went to go visit my grandparents, I could not go to sleep. No matter how much medication I took. 

It was torture. At every headlight I saw and turns we took, my heart would just about burst and my brain would switch to the flashback channel. I don’t know if I can do it again. It has been getting a lot worse lately. I have been only able to drive for about fifteen minutes before having to pull over and regroup. My family tells me that I’m just gonna have to work through it and that going will be good for me. They say that when we make it there, my worries will disappear… Not that easy. They know nothing of what it’s like.

I am excited to get there, but dreading the getting there. Ugh… I am now at the stage where I’m talking myself out of it, and then back into going. Stupid anxiety. Stupid PTSD. I just feel bad for Keen. He is going to be working a LOT this weekend. He has already been on keeping and eye on me because of all this job business. I have a feeling that most of my vacation money is going towards treats for Keen.

I will let you guys know what I decide. Right now I’m leaning more towards going. I know I will enjoy seeing a few people while I’m there. I guess we’ll see. Maybe the meds will actually work this time. Here’s hoping…