Sleep… Why do you hide?

Oh my gosh… I probably had the most productive day in a while. I went to town this morning then went on a 5 hour ride with my dad on his Harlley. When we got back, we went to dinner with some family friends until 8 pm. I thought I’d be exhausted, but I can’t SLEEP!

The reason I probably can’t sleep is because I have been sleeping for five days straight. My mom thinks it’s probably because my liver is still healing and my vacation was not all that relaxing. So I am also catching up on the sleep i should have gotten. Boring, but apparently necessary.

I’m also stressing about going to live with my aunt. I don’t know how long I’ll be there, but at least a few months. With that in mind, I will have to get a job in order to continue to feed Noble. I’m a little nervous, but still looking forward to it. I need to get out of this house. I just keep falling back into a dark place.


Just Want To Sleep…

Today… I am writing because I am bored out of my mind. I am staying at my grandparent’s to build a prototypeof a business idea I have. I am here till tuesday and running out of things to do. I have almost completed the skeleton of my idea, but have to wait on some parts in order to continue.

I have kept this idea stored in my mind for so long, I don’t want to stop. I am actually seeing it work out. I have pitched my business plan to a couple people and they all really liked it. I am getting a lot of support now and help to make it come to life.

I thought my business plan was one of those that you keep thinking about, but never get around to doing. Boy was I wrong. When I first started, I had no idea how I was gonna start. It’s like me and sketching…

It takes me so long to actually get started, that I eventually forget and never do it. I was challenged by a relative to follow through with my plan and to see what happens. So far, I am so excited to start getting it manufactured. It will probably take me a while before I can because I have to get some sort of patent.

I don’t know how long that takes… I’m really praying it goes quickly. I have thought about selling my idea to get the money up front, but decided to sell it myself. I have plans for the money that I will make from it. For a good cause, mind you.


Noble is still hard at work…

I have already taken my night meds about four hours ago, but they aren’t working
yet. Sometimes my mind is running so fast, that it overpowers the meds. Hate it when it happens, but it happens. That’s when I’m left staring blankly at a wall thinking about… Everything.

Tonight, though, I decided to put my mind to work and do some blogging. I apologize for the lack of posts. The past couple months, I have been in and out of hospitals for multiple reasons. Anyways, thought I might let you know I’m not dead… Good thing, too.

Job Interviews and Spring Cleaning

Yup… That is what I am doing today. I’ve got a couple job interviews and I’m doing a bit of spring cleaning. So, nothing fun. One of the interviews is going to be a ride along for a paper route. I’m really hoping to get that job so I can maybe do the route on my bike.

I have been bike 20 miles every day lately. I have been loving it. It’s ¬†good distraction from life because it doesn’t cost anything to do. I don’t have to worry about gas, just if I am hydrating enough. The only thing is that I can’t find the leash attachment to my bike, so I can’t take Noble with me. I’m thinking that I could just make a leash that will work till I can afford another one.

Other than the interviews, bike riding, and cleaning, I haven’t been doing much. I am still recovering from my most recent overdose. It has nearly destroyed my kidneys and damaged my liver. So, I’m having weekly blood draws to check my liver and kidney functions. Yippee… My arms are all bruised up because of how many blood draws I’ve had…

Road Trip

I am going on another dreaded road trip this weekend. We are going to visit my grandparents for the Fourth of July. I am getting the usual jitters and anxieties I get before a trip. It’s really frustrating when your family doesn’t understand what it’s like to deal with PTSD. The last time we went to go visit my grandparents, I could not go to sleep. No matter how much medication I took. 

It was torture. At every headlight I saw and turns we took, my heart would just about burst and my brain would switch to the flashback channel. I don’t know if I can do it again. It has been getting a lot worse lately. I have been only able to drive for about fifteen minutes before having to pull over and regroup. My family tells me that I’m just gonna have to work through it and that going will be good for me. They say that when we make it there, my worries will disappear… Not that easy. They know nothing of what it’s like.

I am excited to get there, but dreading the getting there. Ugh… I am now at the stage where I’m talking myself out of it, and then back into going. Stupid anxiety. Stupid PTSD. I just feel bad for Keen. He is going to be working a LOT this weekend. He has already been on keeping and eye on me because of all this job business. I have a feeling that most of my vacation money is going towards treats for Keen.

I will let you guys know what I decide. Right now I’m leaning more towards going. I know I will enjoy seeing a few people while I’m there. I guess we’ll see. Maybe the meds will actually work this time. Here’s hoping…


I took my drive test yesterday and I passed with flying colors! I decided to keep Keen with my mom instead of getting in the car with me because I was more worried about how he would act with a stranger in the car. It turned out to be a good choice too because he didn’t make a peep while I was gone. Ok… That was a lie. My mom said he whined once because he realized that I just left him, but otherwise he was silent.

My little sister took her drive test months ago and the lady didn’t test her on parallel parking. Well the night before, I was up and worrying because I forgot to practice parallel parking. So I stayed up half the night reviewing it. Half way through the test, the lady pointed to a car and told me to parallel park behind it. So I pulled up tight to the car, turned all the way to the right and backed up, then all the way to the left and done! It only took me a few seconds and I would have to say… It was flawless. The lady was expecting it to take longer then looked up to find I was done. She said it was very impressive.

My mom and I then went around town a bit then to go and pick up her concealed weapon’s permit at the court house. My older sister works there, so she came out and congratulated me. She then wanted me to bring Keen up so that the ladies she works with could see him. My sister warned me that they are going to bring out a ton of treats and get him to do a lot of stuff. I was prepared knowing that (ironically) as soon as the treats come out, Keen gets naughty. Sure enough, it didn’t take long before too many people were shouting commands at him and he barked in frustration.

I am not a fan of those kind of situations because I don’t want to come off as being rude when I tell them it’s enough. It was pretty funny because all these ladies were wanting turns to shoot my dog. I think it is a fantastic trick to teach your dog because of situations like these. People love it.

This was very good for Keen too because the trainer said that I could try desensitizing him by having him work for a treat and then have people pet him while the vest is on. Well, he did great. He did get a little too excited when he was grabbing the treats from people’s hands. But that was to be expected. When first began training, I remember we had to work to get him to stop grabbing food from people’s hands too aggressively. He was abandoned so he would have to fight with his litter mate for the food he got. It took a bit, but now he is really good about it.

My new truck!


I got myself a truck! I have been saving $100 to $200 every month for the past two years and have finally found the perfect truck. I have been waiting for the perfect truck to come around and I was beginning to feel discouraged. I was beginning to give up my dream of getting a truck and started looking for a car.But it turns out I didn’t need to be worried. God had it all taken care. The day I scheduled my drive test in January, this truck was posted on Craigslist. It was like he wanted to wait until I was fully committed to getting my drivers license before providing the means to obtain my own vehicle.
It is a two person, long box, Ford Ranger and I love it! It turned out to be two hundred dollars less than the amount I had in my savings, so it worked out perfectly. My dad drove it back to the house when I got it and he said he can’t find a single thing wrong with it. No cracks in the windshield, working heat and AC, good interior, bright lights, and working radio. The only thing that I have found wrong with it is that it doesn’t have cupholders, but that is not a deal breaker for me.

Keen loves it. How can I tell? Well, with every vehicle I have driven/ridden in, he has hated that he can’t see out the windshield when he lays down. In my truck, he can see out the windshield and easily see out the back. Why did I want a truck so bad? I find my anxiety is much worse when I drive with people in the car. I think it’s because I’m afraid that something might happen and we wouldn’t get home safely. So, a regular cab truck won’t leave any room for another person to ride with me when Keen is with me. 

I have driven it to work one time and then to a hardware store with my dad to get traction sandbags to put in the back. I love everything about it! My besties boyfriend guessed right off the bat that I got a Ford Ranger because of it being a small truck. In other words, Ford Rangers are short people trucks and I’m ok with that! 

Lots happening

I’m sorry I haven’t been blogging much lately. I have been pretty busy. I am currently doing both morning and afternoon shifts at work this week and, surprising, enjoying it. The main reason I’m enjoying it is because the more I work, the faster time goes by. Next Thursday is the beginning of my vacation. I am SO excited.

It has been a year since I have taken any time off. My two sisters and I are going to road trip to see our grandparents. The first set of grandparents live eight hours away, then the second live for hours away from the first ones… That probably seems really confusing but I am just too excited to care. I have $400 to spend on the trip and I don’t know if I will even buy anything… Oh well. 

I sent my bestie on a plane to go see her boyfriend gradute from marine boot camp. So I am really excited to hear how that  goes. She is really excited and that makes me happy. Lately we have been talking everyday. How it usually goes is she talks the whole time, and when there are pauses I stick something really random in. You see she has been ranting and I like to lighten the mood. I actually prefer her to talk because I get really anxious talking on the phone, no matter who it is.

Oh! I also took the permit test Monday. Keen had been throwing up that morning, so I was afraid he was going to be sick during my test. He wasn’t, thank goodness. He alerted me several times, unto which I stepped out using the excuse to potty him. I finished the test in under five minutes. And ten minutes later, the lady handed me my permit. I was very proud of myself since I scheduled the appointment, signed myself in, and made sure to give myself a break when Keen alerted me.

Anywho, this is what has been going on with me. I am feeling very cheerful and I think it will last a while…