Struggling

I am still really struggling… It appears that I’ve been released from the State Hospital too soon. I have relapsed. I went to my second doctor’s appointment and ended up having one of my episodes. In my delirium afterwards, I had confessed my plans to commit suicide again. So, I was sent to the ER once again Monday afternoon.

The good thing is that Noble was there, so everybody got to see him in action. The sad thing is, they got to see him in action… Apparently they didn’t let him do exactly what he was supposed to until Papa came. He then just let him go. He did exactly what he was supposed to do. He gave me Deep Pressure Therapy and then licked my face until I came to. I was so tickled to hear that.

Anyways, I was admitted to what is called the Hope House. It’s a short-term live in facility for people who are suicidal. I was told that I wouldn’t be allowed to because my conversion disorder is considered medical. They don’t have medical staff at the Hope House. The crisis evaluator ended up setting it up to get me into the Hope House.

Sure enough, I had three episodes the next morning, and they sent me to the ER. Very frustrating to wake up in the ER with two IVs, and people yelling at me to stay awake when I so badly want to sleep. They apparently called my mom to let her know I was in the ER and my mom chewed them out. My seizures don’t cause brain damage, so I don’t need to go to the ER after every one.

They got the message after that and I had some more seizures the next day. I didn’t end up in the ER. Yay! I was actually getting really frustrated because it took three days for me to be seen by one person. Wednesday was a really bad day. U was struggling with suicidal thoughts. No fun.

Then, I had another episode last night and I fell out of a chair. My episode only lasted 5 minutes instead of 15, but I ended up getting a concussion when I fell. I am always pretty confused after my episodes, but I never remember the confusion. This time though, I was so confused. It was scary. I ended up in another seizure after that.

I didn’t come back from the ER until 11 PM last night, and staff had me sleep on the couch so that they could keep an eye on me. I didn’t sleep very well, so I’m probably gonna go back to bed. In my room this time on a bed… I will probably take some Klonopin to help me sleep and with the anxiety.

Committed (Part 2)

16a064c76cdd76c04b44374690f41f47On my first day of being at the State Hospital, I met with a lot of doctors. They do a full medical work up when you first come to make sure you’re physically healthy. The docs soon learned I was a difficult case. My TBI proved to be a complication in my mental health treatment… Yippee…

It was a lot of trial and error on finding the correct treatment, but eventually found one that kind of worked. The psych doc changed all my meds and upped them of couple times. I spent the first four days hiding out in my room. I had four of my episodes my first night, so my mattress was on the floor. Not very comfy.

The only reason I did come out was because a fellow peer dragged me out of my room. I’m an introvert and she is an extrovert, so we worked perfectly together. She talked and I listened. It may not seem like that is much of a change, but it got me out of my dark room and out among people.

I didn’t converse with anyone but my new friend, D. She of course talked with everybody, so I just kind of became her shadow and observed. Eventually, I became comfortable enough to make small talk with a couple new people. I hate small talk, so that took a lot for me to do.

It’s amazing how sane places like that can make you seem. There were quite a few delusional people who thought they were in the FBI, or whatever. But the craziest thing was that other people were actually believing their stories. That lead to complications in the gullible patients because they became convinced that the hospital was just a safe house. They believed they were in a safe house because the patient that claimed to be FBI, said they were just getting paperwork ready for witness protection for all of us.

Oh my gosh… I couldn’t help but laugh to myself…

Please help me out financially with my medical bills HERE. If you want to know how Noble’s training is going, follow my blog Noble Devotion.

The Bad Stuff…

I promised to fill you guys in on the bad stuff going on today, so here goes… 

The majority of it is finances. The cost to stay in the psych hospital in $10,000 a day and I was there for ten days with two ER trips and an EEG. So I have some pretty big bills coming my way. I had my social working on getting me some health insurance, but just found out I don’t qualify for any that she can find. Stupid.

Now I have started the process of finding and applying to health insurance companies that I can find. So, in swamped with paperwork. While I was about to print some crucial information for my applications, our printer crashed. Now I have to find some way to finish the application before time runs out.

I am still looking for a place of my own, so I have been picking up even more applications for the past couple weeks. The only thing is that I have to get Noble licensed by the city. I didn’t know I had to. I went online to get him licensed, but turns out that my town still uses snail mail. I sent his paperwork out today, but it will probably be a while.

It is way past my bedtime, so I’m gonna leave it at that and call it a night. I will pick up where I left off on Thursday. 

Going Back To Work

Tomorrow is my first day back at work. I’m worrying about it of course, but I am itching to get back to work. To feel the exhaustion and sore muscles after hard day’s work. There is nothing like it… And I love it.

My employers are awesome and extremely supportive, so I’m not too worried about being picked on for taking two and a half weeks off work. I am worried about the questions about why I was in the hospital. But I’ve got vague answers figured out that will hopefully satisfy them.

I finally have my routine sorted out again, which brings me to another topic. While I was in the hospital, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). That is why I have to have my day planned down to the minute and can’t be changed. If it does get changed, I have a panic attack.

They also believe that I am on autism spectrum. I don’t think I am, but apparently I show a lot of signs. OCD being one of them. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that, but I haven’t been diagnosed with it so I don’t have to worry. Yet…

It’s not that I don’t want to be diagnosed autistic, but rather it would bring a whole view of myself. I don’t think I can handle one more thing to cope with right now. I don’t think I am severely autistic, but it would make sense why I have issues in social settings. Maybe it’s not just my anxiety. Maybe the anxiety is caused by the autism.

Anyways, I just wanted to get some things off my chest before I tried to sleep. Most likely I will be laying awake all night with my racing thoughts. I will try to sleep nevertheless. So… Goodnight everybody!

Follow Up Appointment

I am currently sitting in a coffee shop waiting for it to be time to go to my follow up appointment. I am absolutely terrified. My appointment is at this institution for mental health, and I don’t know what to expect. I’m not sure what this appointment entails.

I know it will be a lot of paperwork, but I’m not sure if I am just going to get accepted into the program or what. I am not bringing Noble because he will be just one more stressor. Ugh… I hate it when you get so anxious that you get physically uncomfortable.

I wish I could do a test run so that I know what to expect. Life would be so much easier ifwe could have test runs. But life has to be difficult, so we don’t get test runs. It’s stupid, but true. All I have been doing the past couple days is sleeping and moving.

My family just moved to a new house, so I am very slowly moving mystuff to the new place. My energy is drained so easily these days. A shower is so exhausting that I sleep for three hours afterwards (Which leaves me with bed head).

I’m probably just rambling now. I will let you guys know how everything goes.

First Solo Doctor’s Appointment

Well… yesterday I was in a really bad place. I had suicidal thoughts and I knew I needed help. So, I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment. She sensed the urgency and scheduled me for today. I called my boss and he said he was cool with me leaving early.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I might have gotten an hour but that’s it. I was anxious about how my parents would react and how the appointment would go. Every time I mention how I’m feeling with my mom, she either blames it on hormones or gets mad at me. So I chose to not tell anybody. I don’t have to tell anybody because I’m eighteen.

The morning at work went by really fast and I was making myself sicker and sicker as the day went on. We ended up spraying white primer again, so I was a mess. I hurried home, changed, and scraped most of the paint off my face. I grabbed all my belongings and ran out the door.

Me after spraying…


I got to the clinic early and walked my shaky self up to the third floor. I do not have good memories of the place and the smell sent me nearly over the edge. I went to the front desk and I sat down to wait when the nurse came in to take me back. She was refreshingly cheerful, and chatted me up and down the wall before she asked details on my visit.

After we talked, she took my blood pressure and said, “You don’t like being in here do you?” Turns out my blood pressure was high and it seemed to have proven my anxiety. I waited a bit and soaked my shirt with sweat in anticipation. 

I was afraid that she would think I was lying or something because my mom wasn’t with me. But it turned out quite differently. She understood my reservations to trust my parents and took me off my parents’ file and into my own. She said that some people just can’t grasp the fact that anxiety is as hard to control as leukemia. 

I finally got myself started on prescription and will finally be getting some help with my migraines. We discovered that I am having panic attacks whenever I go to work. My doctor said that she thinks my depression is caused by my battle with anxiety and that we should get that figured out and see where to go from there. She also gave me resources for if I’m ever in crisis. 

I told my parents that I went to the doctor when I got home. They were both angry. There is just no way to please them. They didn’t have to pay for anything or go out of their way for me. Ugh…

Nevertheless, I am very proud of myself. I didn’t think I was gonna be able to do it. I’m glad I did reach out. I knew that I was gonna do something if I didn’t. My doctor was very glad too. She could tell that I was struggling.

Went To The Doctor

Well, I went to the doctor on Wednesday. I didn’t want to go, but my mom wouldn’t let me go to work unless I went to the doctor. It was actually my first time going alone. I should have been absolutely terrified, but I too exhausted to think.

I checked in and the front desk lady got me set up. About ten minutes later, the nurse came and took me to get all my vitals (I grew 3/4 and inch in three years. I think I have hit that point in my life where I stop growing). I then waited another ten minutes before an old doctor came in. He said that I have both a sinus and ear infection. Yay… She said sarcastically.

He prescribed me some strong antibiotics and sent me to check out while he called it in. I went to the front, but the lady wasn’t ready yet, so I waited a little bit longer. The lady was really nice and kept coming in and assuring me that she hadn’t forgotten about me. 

I am already a quiet person (extremely introverted), so when you have me sick, anxious, and tired, I say very little. And when I do talk, I say it quietly. So, I think the front desk lady thought I was not in a good mood… Or could tell I wasn’t feeling well. It was kind of like I was getting special treatment. It might have also been because of my age. People tell me that I look younger than I am.

Anyways, I went to the pharmacy to get my prescription, but I had to wait for the order to come through. So, I went to get a coffee to help fight a migraine. By the time I came back, my order was filled, but under the wrong birthdate. There was a typo that said my birthday was on the 33rd. The pharmacist then fixed the typo and then sent me on my way.

After the first dose of the meds, I was feeling much better. When I woke up Thursday morning, I finally felt like I got the full nights sleep I needed. So, I went to work yesterday and today and was able to accomplish everything I was given. I am feeling so much better and I can finally hear out of my ear. Guess the antibiotics are working!