Hospitalized Again

THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING

I was hospitalized again, but this time it was because I had attempted suicide. I parked in a parking lot and overdosed, only to have the sheriff find me and take me to the ER. The drugs I took thickened my blood and caused everthing to slow down. I had to be given a blood thinner shot in the stomach twice a day and intubated for 24 hours.

I was in the ICU for 4 days before I was cleared medically and moved down to general. Two days after that, I was ambulanced to another hospital two hours away. There, I was admitted to the psych ward and was there for a week before being discharged two days after my birthday. Yup… I spent my birthday in the psych ward. The suckiest birthday yet.

Due to the complexity of my case with the conversion disorder, they were threatening to send me to the state hospital. The staff there were terrified of seizures after a bad night of seizing on and off for six hours. I woke up to my bed on the floor and pillows around my mattress.

It really sucks when the hospital says you’re too crazy for them to handle to the point of shipping me off to another hospital six hours away. I said that it was stupid and that I would much rather be discharged. They wouldn’t let me discharge either because I was brought in by the cops and not voluntarily. So, I had to stay a little while longer.

Then my conversion disorder continued getting worse to the point of messing with my ability to walk. I have had that happen before where one of my legs would go completely numb. That made me a fall risk and they threatenedto put me in seclusion, so I told them they might as wellIMG_1226 discharge me because this will only progress. So they did.

Now I’m at home with absolutely no help. I was told to continue treatment through this mental health center, but I missed a crucial appointment while I was hospitalized. The best part? They apparently have no record of the appointment. So, I don’t know what to do. I’m initially screwed. I’ve got no where to go… Ugh!
One positive thing though! I got a new hair cut and I love it!

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Stuck In The Past and Costumes

You know how people say, “Dont be stuck in the past look towards the future, and all the good things life can bring.” Well, I am one of those people who are “stuck in the past.” 

I met with my friend Jo-Jo for lunch Sunday and we have discovered why we are stuck in the past. The only stories we ever tell other people are stories from our childhood. The stories from the summer before 7th was especially memorable.

Anyways, the reason why we only ever tell stories about our past is because that was when we were both somewhat healthy. Those were days when we could handle sleepovers and staying up past eight o’clock. The days when we could ride our bikes two miles everyday to have a picnic in the park and get candy at the store. My bestie and I made the decision then that we won’t be ashamed of living in the past because the only way we can keep moving forward, is if we can hang on to the good days.

We have to know that there is still a chance of being healthy. A chance of the thoughts of insanity stopping and us being legitimately happy. Happiness that goes all the way to the core. We had some good times in the past and I love to relive it.


Now for something a bit more cheery, today is Halloween and I was determined to dress up. My family doesn’t celebrate Halloween, but I won’t turn down an opportunity to dress up. I had to come up with a costume that I could get dirty at work, so I decided on a hobo.

I got all the stuff at the last minute and it all turned out a lot better than I thought it would. This is the first costume that has actually worked. I am pretty proud of myself. 

Noble Devotion!

Well… I decided, once again, to create a separate blog to dialogue Noble’s progress. The blog is called Noble Devotion. I will only be posting once a week on this blog, until I get a schedule down. I want to keep this blog about my struggles, and Noble Devotion about Noble’s and my struggles while training. 

Anyways, feel free to follow my other blog to here more details about Noble. I will still post post a picture of Noble here and there on this blog, but not quite as often. And here is a recent photo of Noble… he has doubled in size since we have gotten him.

My Heart Is Breaking

I keep wishing this is a really bad nightmare. But I’m not waking up. Keen is being sent back to the shelter on Friday. I just want to scream. I have screamed, but it doesn’t help. I never thought I could hurt this much. I went to church without Keen for the first time. I couldn’t stop crying. I still can’t stop crying.

I have a migraine and it is extremely painful now because I can’t stop crying. I cried all day yesterday and all night and I’m still crying. Keen knows he’s done. He doesn’t ask to go to work anymore and he spends all his time in his kennel. He only comes out twice a day to get fed. He knows it and it’s breaking my heart.

The program that I went through is now wanting us to pay for a whole other dog. Or my other option is to train one myself. I am not stable enough to train one myself and I just don’t trust the program. So, I’m screwed. Excuse my language, but this is bullshit. I was so excited to see where my future was headed with the new job and college. 

Now, I think I lost the new job because I didn’t get back to them due to all the shit that’s happened. And I don’t think I would be able to handle college on my own. Much less the ACT in September. I’m so screwed. AHH! Why did he have to do that?! I don’t know if I can handle this.

Made it…

Well, I made it back home lastnight. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep at six o’clock and then slept till eight this morning. I do not do well on vacation. Especially now that I have a service dog and have to worry about him. Keen is happy to be home too. I got up and fed him at eight and then got myself some breakfast. After a while, I realized that I hadn’t seen Keen for a bit and called him and called. I then go down to my room and find curled up (on my side of the bed) and asleep. 

I have my last grooms this week since I quit grooming. I left for vacation with only two grooms to do this week and come back to find that my boss “forgot” that she had schedule five more for this week. It’s that kind of thing that made me quit. She never tells me when she is scheduling grooms. It’s really sad when the best bargaining chip your boss has is, “Well I can just ask you if you want to work.” Yes. She seriously said that.

Anyways, I met with the lady, Deb, that owns the program that I got Keen through and I didn’t get any good news. I had asked her a couple weeks ago if I could use her as a reference for a job that was dog related, so she knew I was looking for a new job. I walked in a she asked if I got the job that I used her for and I said no. Then she said that my boss called her and the day I quit and said, “Do you know of any groomers in my area? Because Abbie just quit on me.” 

My boss that Deb have known each other for a while because Keen’s trainer, Emily, worked for both of them. I then had to explain to Deb the reasons why I quit the grooming. She did not ask for an explanation, but I had a feeling that there was a kind of “I will see what I can do to get her to reconsider” vibe going on. Deb was very understanding once she heard my side of the story.

After that, we got to talking about my job options. I told her that one of my biggest worries is how Keen is gonna be able to do his job while I’m doing my job. So, she started working with Keen and he did his growling thing. I was worried when he started doing that, but she said it’s just him talking. It was really funny watching her work with him. It was like they were having a real conversation. 

To sum up the long conversation we had on my job options… I’m screwed. I have no experience in the kind of area I want to go in, so I won’t/can’t get hired. My other otion is to start up the bed bug detection business with my dad, but we had talked about it for a while now and he made it clear that he won’t be pursuing it for a couple years. So that’s out of the question. My only option is to go to college.

College. There it is again. All it makes me want to do is scream. Now that I have quit the grooming part of my job, I will only be making enough for me to pay my car insurance, phone bill, and half a tank of gas. I’m basically out of a job. How am I going to afford college? I don’t even think I will qualify for a loan because I don’t have any credit. Ugh. I. Am. Screwed. Back at square… Zero.

It’s Been Approved!

I’m sure I have mentioned time and time again about my HiSET (GED) accommodations. I was getting really discouraged because I haven’t heard back from them. I was considering just taking the test without accommodations because I just wanted it done so that I could move on.

My mom and I went grocery shopping yesterday. I wasn’t doing very well. I didn’t talk for the entire ride because I was too busy squeezing my eyes shut, trying not to cry. After a bit, I calmed down and my mom was telling me how if I wanted to get the HiSET done without accommodations, she would back me up.

We came home and I only had about ten minutes to get ready for work. So, I was stressing. When I came home, I unwinded by getting on my iPad and reading or watching something. My pad beeped telling me that I had a new email. It was from the ETS Disability Center.

I opened the PDF file and it said, “Your request for 100% double test taking time, and 15 minute breaks for each section has been approved. You will also receive the protocol for individuals with a service dog. Therefore, you will be tested in a separate room.”

I screamed in excitement and ran up to show my mom. She started reading it and she just started bawling. A total God send. I don’t have to be anxious or stressed about taking the test at all. I just have to be stressed and anxious about scheduling it. Yup… There is no end.

Selective Hearing

Whenever Keen and I are out and about, we are pretty much on parade. I hate extra attention and when Keen and I were still in the training process, I couldn’t make it for very long. Eight months later, I have developed selective hearing. 

A lot of service dog handlers have developed it. My friend J, who is a veteran, hasn’t quite perfected it. He gets very angry and red in the face when someone begins pointing and saying, “That’s a service dog!” I have developed this special skill very quickly because it is the only reason I am able to make it through the grocery store.

I do hear everybody, but I shove it in the back of my mind. Often times, I will be standing in line and someone asks me a question. I don’t hear and the person with me points it out that they asked me a question. I hate going out with someone. They usually want to be polite and answer the strangers question. I often play the, “Oh. She must be deaf” card, but I can’t when the person I’m with won’t play along with me.

But, my mom usually accompanies me places. The most common thing people ask me is, “Are you training him?” My answer? “No. He is mine.” I often get bothered by this question and wonder why they always assume that. I recently discovered the reason from a very… Blunt person.

The reason they assume I am training the dog is because I do not appear to need the dog. Now that question bothers me. People expect you to be in a wheelchair, blind, or deaf when you have a service dog. The whole “Not all illnesses are visible” thing usually doesn’t bother me, because I have never had a situation like that occur. I now know I have that kind of misunderstanding every day. 

When I was on my service dog patch frenzy, I came across a lot of patches that said “Not all illnesses are visible.” I never got one because I didn’t think it needed it. Now I think that I’m going to get a shirt that says it… I think people MIGHT read it then.