Long Time…

It has been a crazy long time since I’ve last posted. I have not been doing very well. I have been in and out of the hospital for the past three months. I made several attempts and got a bogus diagnoses. That diagnoses then sent into suicidal thoughts, which I followed through with.

Now I have damaged relationships to fix and have no idea how to do so. How am I supposed to deal with other people’s feelings when I don’t even understand my own. My therapist is pretty sure I’m bipolar and have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

This post will probably be a short one. I need to get my thoughts together. I’m a little flighty and I’m actually surprised I sat down and wrote a post. Anyways… Bear with me. I’m trying to get back to my routine.

Struggling

I am still really struggling… It appears that I’ve been released from the State Hospital too soon. I have relapsed. I went to my second doctor’s appointment and ended up having one of my episodes. In my delirium afterwards, I had confessed my plans to commit suicide again. So, I was sent to the ER once again Monday afternoon.

The good thing is that Noble was there, so everybody got to see him in action. The sad thing is, they got to see him in action… Apparently they didn’t let him do exactly what he was supposed to until Papa came. He then just let him go. He did exactly what he was supposed to do. He gave me Deep Pressure Therapy and then licked my face until I came to. I was so tickled to hear that.

Anyways, I was admitted to what is called the Hope House. It’s a short-term live in facility for people who are suicidal. I was told that I wouldn’t be allowed to because my conversion disorder is considered medical. They don’t have medical staff at the Hope House. The crisis evaluator ended up setting it up to get me into the Hope House.

Sure enough, I had three episodes the next morning, and they sent me to the ER. Very frustrating to wake up in the ER with two IVs, and people yelling at me to stay awake when I so badly want to sleep. They apparently called my mom to let her know I was in the ER and my mom chewed them out. My seizures don’t cause brain damage, so I don’t need to go to the ER after every one.

They got the message after that and I had some more seizures the next day. I didn’t end up in the ER. Yay! I was actually getting really frustrated because it took three days for me to be seen by one person. Wednesday was a really bad day. U was struggling with suicidal thoughts. No fun.

Then, I had another episode last night and I fell out of a chair. My episode only lasted 5 minutes instead of 15, but I ended up getting a concussion when I fell. I am always pretty confused after my episodes, but I never remember the confusion. This time though, I was so confused. It was scary. I ended up in another seizure after that.

I didn’t come back from the ER until 11 PM last night, and staff had me sleep on the couch so that they could keep an eye on me. I didn’t sleep very well, so I’m probably gonna go back to bed. In my room this time on a bed… I will probably take some Klonopin to help me sleep and with the anxiety.

Committed (Part 2)

16a064c76cdd76c04b44374690f41f47On my first day of being at the State Hospital, I met with a lot of doctors. They do a full medical work up when you first come to make sure you’re physically healthy. The docs soon learned I was a difficult case. My TBI proved to be a complication in my mental health treatment… Yippee…

It was a lot of trial and error on finding the correct treatment, but eventually found one that kind of worked. The psych doc changed all my meds and upped them of couple times. I spent the first four days hiding out in my room. I had four of my episodes my first night, so my mattress was on the floor. Not very comfy.

The only reason I did come out was because a fellow peer dragged me out of my room. I’m an introvert and she is an extrovert, so we worked perfectly together. She talked and I listened. It may not seem like that is much of a change, but it got me out of my dark room and out among people.

I didn’t converse with anyone but my new friend, D. She of course talked with everybody, so I just kind of became her shadow and observed. Eventually, I became comfortable enough to make small talk with a couple new people. I hate small talk, so that took a lot for me to do.

It’s amazing how sane places like that can make you seem. There were quite a few delusional people who thought they were in the FBI, or whatever. But the craziest thing was that other people were actually believing their stories. That lead to complications in the gullible patients because they became convinced that the hospital was just a safe house. They believed they were in a safe house because the patient that claimed to be FBI, said they were just getting paperwork ready for witness protection for all of us.

Oh my gosh… I couldn’t help but laugh to myself…

Please help me out financially with my medical bills HERE. If you want to know how Noble’s training is going, follow my blog Noble Devotion.

Committed (Part One)

You have probably guessed by my previous post that I have been in the hospital for the past month. After being released in March, I went back after near attempt at suicide again. I packed up all my things and drove the two hours to the psych hospital.

After being in the psych unit for a week, I was not getting any better. I continued to isolate and still had the urge to kill myself. That was when my provider and I decided that the best option was for me to be committed to the state hospital. I was at peace with that decision and had to go to court before I was sent off in handcuffs to the hospital.

I was absolutely terrified of what it would be like. You here a lot of horror stories about the state hospital in the psych unit. There was one patient in the psych unit that prepared me for what it was really like. She even gave me her contact information to call her if I got scared or confused. I was so touched.

Once I arrived at the hospital, I got entered into the system, showered, and walked up to the unit I would be in. When I first walked in, I realized that it was no different from the psych unit (It was actually a little better). There were two TVs with couches and tables. Our rooms had a sink, and a closet with a desk attached to the wall. The beds were so comfy and you could open your window.

They brought me something to eat since I arrived at 8pm. Their food was terrible, but still edible. When you were really hungry, the food was a delicacy (Not that rare of an occurance). They gave me my meds through a little window in the med room door. I thought it was actually kind fun (I’m weird that way).

The best part was that you could turn off all your lights. In the psych unit, they had a “night-light” in the rooms that were more like an artificial sun. I must have the room dark in order to sleep, so I was able to get another hour or two of sleep that night…

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Hospitalized Again

THIS POST MAY BE TRIGGERING

I was hospitalized again, but this time it was because I had attempted suicide. I parked in a parking lot and overdosed, only to have the sheriff find me and take me to the ER. The drugs I took thickened my blood and caused everthing to slow down. I had to be given a blood thinner shot in the stomach twice a day and intubated for 24 hours.

I was in the ICU for 4 days before I was cleared medically and moved down to general. Two days after that, I was ambulanced to another hospital two hours away. There, I was admitted to the psych ward and was there for a week before being discharged two days after my birthday. Yup… I spent my birthday in the psych ward. The suckiest birthday yet.

Due to the complexity of my case with the conversion disorder, they were threatening to send me to the state hospital. The staff there were terrified of seizures after a bad night of seizing on and off for six hours. I woke up to my bed on the floor and pillows around my mattress.

It really sucks when the hospital says you’re too crazy for them to handle to the point of shipping me off to another hospital six hours away. I said that it was stupid and that I would much rather be discharged. They wouldn’t let me discharge either because I was brought in by the cops and not voluntarily. So, I had to stay a little while longer.

Then my conversion disorder continued getting worse to the point of messing with my ability to walk. I have had that happen before where one of my legs would go completely numb. That made me a fall risk and they threatenedto put me in seclusion, so I told them they might as wellIMG_1226 discharge me because this will only progress. So they did.

Now I’m at home with absolutely no help. I was told to continue treatment through this mental health center, but I missed a crucial appointment while I was hospitalized. The best part? They apparently have no record of the appointment. So, I don’t know what to do. I’m initially screwed. I’ve got no where to go… Ugh!
One positive thing though! I got a new hair cut and I love it!

Support Groups

My follow up appointment went fine. It was just getting me into the system. There is a long waiting list to get a therapist or psychiatrist, so I’ve got to find something to help me cope until then. Guess what it is? Support groups.

I have never gone to a support group, and the only thing I know about them is what I have seen in the movies. You know… You sit in a big room at church in a circle and tell your story to people. I have gone to two group so far and I like them.

They are very chill and we sit in a room with couches and talk. It starts out with telling how you are feeling today, and then we start talking about a topic. Today’s topic was radical acceptance. It is mainly about how you need to accept who you are with your issues, without feeling shameful.

That is something I definetly need to work on. I am really nervous about going to work because of all the questions. My brother-in-law told everybody that I have been in the hospital because I was having a lot of seizures. It’s not a lie because I was originally admitted because I was having my non-epileptic seizures due to the stress of me being suicidal. And me having a plan that I intended on following through with.

Anyways, I am SO ready to get back to work. My emploers have been so awesome and were willing to give me a month off if I needed it. They were very adamant that I do not need to worry about work, and just need to get better. I’m not 100% yet, but I intend to stick it out until I am. I am not someone who can just sit around the house. I have to do something.

Hospitalized

Yup… I was hospitalized again after 2 years of… Coping. I was extremely suicidal

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Before Hospital

and made an appointment with my primary doc. Next thing I know, I’m having multiple seizures and admitted to the hospital. I was in the local hospital for a day, and then shipped two hours away to a psychiatric hospital.

I have been there for the past ten days. Most people think that being in a psychiatric ward is hell and that they would do anything to not be sent there. But I needed to be there, and it actually helped me get better. I slept for three days straight and then I hid from the other patients for four days.

I finally came out and ate a meal with a fellow human, and I actually enjoyed the interaction. Before I knew it, I was putting a puzzle together with a vetran, hippie, fellow teen, and a mama. We laughed and made fun of eachother, and helping eachother make it in that place.

Sadly, I only got to hang with them for two days before I was discharged. I am

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After Hospital

actually greiveing their company. You have a special bond with the people you meet in there because they know exactly what you’re going through. We are all in the same boat.

Anyways, I haven’t been posting because I haven’t had any access to a computer… Or Wifi. Now I’m back and I will have plenty to write about. I have to take some more time off work to figure out where to go from here.