Ugh… I am so frustrated with life at the moment. My stupid headache won’t go away and I have to wait till wednesday to get a change in presription. I am having to take off a lot of work because of it and my paycheck is getting smaller and smaller.

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs with no judgement. My family is moving and plan to be out of here by the end of the week. So, I’ll be left alone at the house till the end of February or I get my own place. I’m hoping for the latter, but I don’t know if I trust myself.

I’m not in a good place right now. With this crap going on in my head all the time, I’m leanig towards ending it all. At the same time, I am still able to pull myself from th edge. But it’s becoming a daily battle.

I am gonna have to tell my doc… ugh. I hate admitting to this stuff. I feel so weak…


Missing Work… Again

Aww yes…. The wonderful world of chronic pain. Having to take multiple days off work, which causes a shortage of funds in my bank account. It’s stupid and unfair. The worst thing is that my boss thinks that I’m just bailing on work because I’ve called in sick for “just” a headache.

What most people don’t understand is that I have a headache every day. So, sometimes, my headaches get so bad that I can’t walk. Other days, I am just third of pushing through my regular headaches, so I stay home and get some much needed rest.

My anxiety prevents me from getting the rest I need because I’m too busy worrying about what my boss thinks…. All in all, I don’t win either way. If you didn’t pick up on it by now, I am currently incapacitated at home. I have made the stupid decision to sit down and stare at a screen that aggravates my headache.

Right now, this is the only thing I can think of to help me work through my anxieties. Why not share my misfortunes with people that might actually understand, right? People say that they can’t imagine living day to day with constant pain. So, they don’t even bother. Seems kind of backward to me, but whatever… So be it.

Not Feeling So Hot

Seriously? Why can’t a break from all the crap of… Life? I woke up this morning feeling awesome and ready to conquer the world. After a few hours at work, my head exploded. Not literally. Only in the sense that it felt like it did. I got an instant migraine and it hit me hard.

I have lived with migraines/headaches for the past decade, but I have never had it this bad. I had instant sensitivity to light, sound, and smells. I also had extremely terrible vertigo. It so bad that I had my sunglasses and noise-canceling headphones on as I’m walking around trying not to throw up.

We were standing some moderately heavy boards with mildly pungent stain today… It was killing me. The stain was making me dizzy while also dealing with vertigo. I was trying to prevent my having to lift my arms above my head, but I I couldn’t wait any longer when the bottom of the drying racks were full.

Due to the experience I have living with migraines, I was still able to manage working a full ten hour day. I actually couldn’t believe I did, but when you are too busy trying to keep your stomach contents down, you stop caring what time it is. So, her I am at home… Still feeling like crap.

I am going to bed at six tonight because I hope this migraine will pass by the time 4:30 am comes around. I don’t know if I can get to sleep despite all the sleeping medication, but I might as well try. I’m really tired of this… It is a never ending cycle of constant pain in every way and form. I’m getting pretty discouraged…

Opportunities and PAIN

I apologize for not writing. I have been fighting a massive migraine for the past week and just haven’t been well enough to sit and look at a screen. It has eased up enough for me to write today, but yesterday it was so bad that the eye that the pain was behind, was a bit swollen. It was crazy. Nothing was working. I was throwing up up all night last night, but after I took some more meds and stomached some food, it eased up a bit.
Anyways… What has been going on? Well, let’s see. Last weekend, my old church had a prophetic conference and I was able to donate some money for girls in the Philippines. It was a great opportunity. And it was so good to see my old church family and see all the little guys all grown up.

One of the littles one, named J, was about 4 when we left and now she is eight years old. Because I haven’t seen her in so long, she has never met Keen. So, she went home and asked her mama about Keen and what he does. That was when her mama got the idea to have me talk to J’s class about service dogs. I am really excited about it. Little kids are my forte and it has always been really easy for me to explain about service dogs to them. They actually listen.

I also have my sister’s wedding on Friday and I am going to sign their marriage license. I also got a dress for their wedding and Keen is going to be wearing a bow tie. Hopefully it will all go well and we will be able to enjoy ourselves. We are having family coming from out of town, so everyone is stressing about where everyone is going to stay. Ugh… I am going to elope when I get married. I hate the hassle. It’s not really worth it in my opinion.

I just really hope that this migraine doesn’t ruin the rest of the week. I have the wedding and then my presentation to the second grade class. And then I have a surprise birthday party for my bestie next weekend and then a graduation then next and another one the next weekend. Ugh… This is turning out to be a very busy month. I don’t like it.