The Bad Stuff…

I promised to fill you guys in on the bad stuff going on today, so here goes… 

The majority of it is finances. The cost to stay in the psych hospital in $10,000 a day and I was there for ten days with two ER trips and an EEG. So I have some pretty big bills coming my way. I had my social working on getting me some health insurance, but just found out I don’t qualify for any that she can find. Stupid.

Now I have started the process of finding and applying to health insurance companies that I can find. So, in swamped with paperwork. While I was about to print some crucial information for my applications, our printer crashed. Now I have to find some way to finish the application before time runs out.

I am still looking for a place of my own, so I have been picking up even more applications for the past couple weeks. The only thing is that I have to get Noble licensed by the city. I didn’t know I had to. I went online to get him licensed, but turns out that my town still uses snail mail. I sent his paperwork out today, but it will probably be a while.

It is way past my bedtime, so I’m gonna leave it at that and call it a night. I will pick up where I left off on Thursday. 

I’m a Trainer!

I have been officially hired to be a dog trainer. That is a personal dog trainer. There is a lady that I met at one of the support groups, that was wanting help to train her dog as a service dog. I had Noble at the group, so she asked if I would help her.

She can’t pay me much, but I felt that I needed to help her out. Honestly, I am so excited. She is at the stage that I know how to train. She has an eight week old puppy that isn’t even potty trained. Noble is now six months old, and I have gone through the terrible phase of potty training and crate training.

I am not officially a dog trainer, but I still know how to train a dog. Especially a service dog. In fact, I think that my standards are too high for just a pet. I do better with task training. Perfect for service dogs or any working dog for that fact.

I’m starting to think that I should get some business cards, because I have been getting stopped a lot by people wanting me to do something with a service dog. I got stopped by a guy, in the middle of an intersection, who wanted me to take care of his service dog while he was in Europe. I’m starting to think that I might have to go part time with my painting job. I don’t want to, but current events are making it difficult to have a full-time job with a side business.

Anyways, that’s the good news that has happened the past couple weeks. I will wait till Tuesday to give you the bad news. It’s just too much to bear at the moment.
 

Going Back To Work

Tomorrow is my first day back at work. I’m worrying about it of course, but I am itching to get back to work. To feel the exhaustion and sore muscles after hard day’s work. There is nothing like it… And I love it.

My employers are awesome and extremely supportive, so I’m not too worried about being picked on for taking two and a half weeks off work. I am worried about the questions about why I was in the hospital. But I’ve got vague answers figured out that will hopefully satisfy them.

I finally have my routine sorted out again, which brings me to another topic. While I was in the hospital, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). That is why I have to have my day planned down to the minute and can’t be changed. If it does get changed, I have a panic attack.

They also believe that I am on autism spectrum. I don’t think I am, but apparently I show a lot of signs. OCD being one of them. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that, but I haven’t been diagnosed with it so I don’t have to worry. Yet…

It’s not that I don’t want to be diagnosed autistic, but rather it would bring a whole view of myself. I don’t think I can handle one more thing to cope with right now. I don’t think I am severely autistic, but it would make sense why I have issues in social settings. Maybe it’s not just my anxiety. Maybe the anxiety is caused by the autism.

Anyways, I just wanted to get some things off my chest before I tried to sleep. Most likely I will be laying awake all night with my racing thoughts. I will try to sleep nevertheless. So… Goodnight everybody!

Support Groups

My follow up appointment went fine. It was just getting me into the system. There is a long waiting list to get a therapist or psychiatrist, so I’ve got to find something to help me cope until then. Guess what it is? Support groups.

I have never gone to a support group, and the only thing I know about them is what I have seen in the movies. You know… You sit in a big room at church in a circle and tell your story to people. I have gone to two group so far and I like them.

They are very chill and we sit in a room with couches and talk. It starts out with telling how you are feeling today, and then we start talking about a topic. Today’s topic was radical acceptance. It is mainly about how you need to accept who you are with your issues, without feeling shameful.

That is something I definetly need to work on. I am really nervous about going to work because of all the questions. My brother-in-law told everybody that I have been in the hospital because I was having a lot of seizures. It’s not a lie because I was originally admitted because I was having my non-epileptic seizures due to the stress of me being suicidal. And me having a plan that I intended on following through with.

Anyways, I am SO ready to get back to work. My emploers have been so awesome and were willing to give me a month off if I needed it. They were very adamant that I do not need to worry about work, and just need to get better. I’m not 100% yet, but I intend to stick it out until I am. I am not someone who can just sit around the house. I have to do something.

Follow Up Appointment

I am currently sitting in a coffee shop waiting for it to be time to go to my follow up appointment. I am absolutely terrified. My appointment is at this institution for mental health, and I don’t know what to expect. I’m not sure what this appointment entails.

I know it will be a lot of paperwork, but I’m not sure if I am just going to get accepted into the program or what. I am not bringing Noble because he will be just one more stressor. Ugh… I hate it when you get so anxious that you get physically uncomfortable.

I wish I could do a test run so that I know what to expect. Life would be so much easier ifwe could have test runs. But life has to be difficult, so we don’t get test runs. It’s stupid, but true. All I have been doing the past couple days is sleeping and moving.

My family just moved to a new house, so I amĀ very slowly moving mystuff to the new place. My energy is drained so easily these days. A shower is so exhausting that I sleep for three hours afterwards (Which leaves me with bed head).

I’m probably just rambling now. I will let you guys know how everything goes.

Hospitalized

Yup… I was hospitalized again after 2 years of… Coping. I was extremely suicidal

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Before Hospital

and made an appointment with my primary doc. Next thing I know, I’m having multiple seizures and admitted to the hospital. I was in the local hospital for a day, and then shipped two hours away to a psychiatric hospital.

I have been there for the past ten days. Most people think that being in a psychiatric ward is hell and that they would do anything to not be sent there. But I needed to be there, and it actually helped me get better. I slept for three days straight and then I hid from the other patients for four days.

I finally came out and ate a meal with a fellow human, and I actually enjoyed the interaction. Before I knew it, I was putting a puzzle together with a vetran, hippie, fellow teen, and a mama. We laughed and made fun of eachother, and helping eachother make it in that place.

Sadly, I only got to hang with them for two days before I was discharged. I am

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After Hospital

actually greiveing their company. You have a special bond with the people you meet in there because they know exactly what you’re going through. We are all in the same boat.

Anyways, I haven’t been posting because I haven’t had any access to a computer… Or Wifi. Now I’m back and I will have plenty to write about. I have to take some more time off work to figure out where to go from here.

What is Going On?!?

After I started my medication. For anxiety, I have been having more anxiety/panic attacks than I have ever had. All I have to do is think about moving and my heart starts racing and my shirt gets soaked. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic because I think I’m having a heart attack.

Since I have had Noble sleeping with me, he has helped me through the night. I’ll wake up crying and he sleepily crawls onto my chest, licks my face a couple times, and falls back to sleep. I start calming down once he starts snoring and I feel his heart beat through his rib cage.

Noble helping me through an anxiety attack while watching a movie.


Eventually, I fall back to sleep. Nevertheless, it is a process. But it makes me happy that Noble naturally knows how to handle it. I know that there’s no judgement. I love him.