Well… yesterday I was in a really bad place. I had suicidal thoughts and I knew I needed help. So, I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment. She sensed the urgency and scheduled me for today. I called my boss and he said he was cool with me leaving early.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. I might have gotten an hour but that’s it. I was anxious about how my parents would react and how the appointment would go. Every time I mention how I’m feeling with my mom, she either blames it on hormones or gets mad at me. So I chose to not tell anybody. I don’t have to tell anybody because I’m eighteen.
The morning at work went by really fast and I was making myself sicker and sicker as the day went on. We ended up spraying white primer again, so I was a mess. I hurried home, changed, and scraped most of the paint off my face. I grabbed all my belongings and ran out the door.
I got to the clinic early and walked my shaky self up to the third floor. I do not have good memories of the place and the smell sent me nearly over the edge. I went to the front desk and I sat down to wait when the nurse came in to take me back. She was refreshingly cheerful, and chatted me up and down the wall before she asked details on my visit.
After we talked, she took my blood pressure and said, “You don’t like being in here do you?” Turns out my blood pressure was high and it seemed to have proven my anxiety. I waited a bit and soaked my shirt with sweat in anticipation.
I was afraid that she would think I was lying or something because my mom wasn’t with me. But it turned out quite differently. She understood my reservations to trust my parents and took me off my parents’ file and into my own. She said that some people just can’t grasp the fact that anxiety is as hard to control as leukemia.
I finally got myself started on prescription and will finally be getting some help with my migraines. We discovered that I am having panic attacks whenever I go to work. My doctor said that she thinks my depression is caused by my battle with anxiety and that we should get that figured out and see where to go from there. She also gave me resources for if I’m ever in crisis.
I told my parents that I went to the doctor when I got home. They were both angry. There is just no way to please them. They didn’t have to pay for anything or go out of their way for me. Ugh…
Nevertheless, I am very proud of myself. I didn’t think I was gonna be able to do it. I’m glad I did reach out. I knew that I was gonna do something if I didn’t. My doctor was very glad too. She could tell that I was struggling.