Embarassed

Well… I had an interesting day today. I was unloading a drying rack of some cedar soffit, and the rack tipped and dumped three boards right on my head. I absolutely hate showing weakness in public, so I just walked on and said I was fine. In reality, my head was ringing, and a headache was growing. 

Sure enough, my stupid disorder brought what I was feeling to the surface. I zoned out a couple times without knowing and my co worker freaked out. So, my brother in law pulls me aside and told me that my mom was coming and to sit and wait for her. I pretend to be nonchalant, but I feel totally and completely defeated.

It is like high school all over again. I’m constantly afraid that I might start seizing or zone out and get someone else in danger. I am just… Crushed. I was hoping that I had gotten past the conversion disorder. That my entering adulthood had fixed it. Now, I don’t have a service dog again and I want to back out.

I don’t want to have to take it one day at a time anymore. It was so damn hard to fight this the first time. I lost thousands of times before I finally got a win. Now, I’m back on a losing streak. Life seems to be throwing one thing after another at me. I am still recovering from my confrontation last week, and then this is thrown at me.

I am embarrassed to show my face at work again. My coworkers now know how weak I am. I have tried so hard to hide it. This was the first time that my brother in law has seen me in that state, and I wanted to run and hide from the fearful look he gave me. I don’t want all this extra attention.

When I’m feeling crappy, I want to be invisible and have no one care about me. It’s just easier that way. I don’t have to worry about other people being afraid for me… Or disappointed. I’m afraid of people being as disappointed in me as I am. I just don’t want to deal…

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