My Heart Is Racing

I think I’m having a panic attack… Or had. It’s not quite so bad now. We made it to our grandparents house yesterday and we just did a little shopping and hung out at the house today. Tomorrow is what I’m panicking about. I have a lot of family that lives in the same town as my grandparents, and then some more extending family.

Let’s just say that there are a lot of people here that know of me and my baggage that I do not know. And guess what? They all go to the same church as my grandparents. Yup… That’s what I’m panicking about. All the questions about where Keen is. It is already a sore subject, so I don’t want to have to explain it over and over again. 

I am already having problems with just running to the store. My anxiety is through the roof thinking about tomorrow. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will be outside for most of it. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that actually. My grandparents are extremely religious and everyone turns to stare at you if you leave or come in during the service. 

I don’t think I can get out of it because my sister and I decided not to go to the church camp anniversary potluck today. My grandma was not happy about that. She’s been a bit short with everybody since we told her we aren’t going. Turns out it was a wise decision because there were hundreds of people there. 

I am trying to sleep, but all I want to do is cry. The people that go to my church are all crazy unfiltered people. Meaning that they are not afraid to approach you and press you for details, and then say rude things. I am not looking forward to it at ALL. I am more terrified about this than I was about the drive over here. Which is saying something.

Ugh… My heart is about to pound out of my chest. I took medication to help me sleep tonight because I’m gonna need it. Whether it be the medication or crying that puts me to sleep first, I am going to get some sleep. I really need it. Now I’m repeating myself… I think. I’m going to bed before I start speaking gibberish.

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8 thoughts on “My Heart Is Racing

  1. First off, *big hugs* It’s alright to feel that way sometimes. Situations like that can be totally overwhelming. I’ve gotten a lot of questions about where Darcy was and it was completely uncomfortable. I can’t even imagine having church to worry about on top of it all. I wish I could tell you church folk aren’t judgmental, but they totally can be.

    Good luck and I’ll try to check in with you more often. I miss catching up with you and your life. I hope I can do it a bit more often, since I’m taking the semester off of school.

    Liked by 1 person

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