I have been so freaking busy these past week with working two jobs. All I have been doing is working and sleeping. I have finally finished my last day at the kennel, so I finally get a day off for the first time in TWO MONTHS. On top of me working every day, I had to return Keen to the shelter. It is heartbreaking and I have kept myself busy with work to deal with it.
Now, it is catching up with me. I am excited for this new adventure that I have coming, but it is hard to erase that bond you had with your service dog. Every day without him becomes harder and harder. I don’t trust my judgement and I’m afraid that I might have an episode, and get someone else hurt in the process.
I have to overcome a few hurtles without assistance, and it terrifies me. I lay awake at night crying my eyes out in the anticipation of these hurtles. I no longer have a dog waiting nearby for when I need to be comforted on nights like these. I wake up every morning without my usual zeal for the new day.
I crawl out bed and begrudgingly get ready for work. I have been at my new job for almost three weeks, and I am still trembling as I walk through the door. My mind is racing through all my anxieties and me telling myself not to make mistakes, that I make stupid mistakes. It’s like my vision is blurred so I don’t see simple things in my way like a step or board. So, I stumble and people make fun.
I can’t help making those mistakes. When I was in speech therapy after my TBI, the one thing that I held onto was that I should laugh at myself. So, I do. I always have. It is natural for me to make fun of my mistakes, now. My anxiety has now caused me to go back to the mistakes I have made and just feel absolutely terrible.
I can’t stay light-hearted anymore. I blame myself for the way Keen turned out, I blame myself for being socially awkward to the point of me seeming dim-witted to others, and I blame myself for everything. All I am is an anxious, depressed, and angry lump of worthless flesh.