Scared and Angry

That seems to be all I am these days. Either scared, angry, or both. Not a very good combination. I am just so frustrated with how everything is turning out. Every time I try to pursue a change in my life, it blows up in my face or I mess something up. I am so done with this (If you haven’t noticed, this is the angry side of me talking)! I’m tired of being rejected or making a fool of myself. Just done.

It seems that I’m teetering on the edge now, and all it will take to send me over it is just one more negative thing. Whether it be forgetting to refill the shampoo bottle at work, or having a confrontation with someone. I just don’t know if I can take it any,ore. I just keep on messing things up and ruining my chances at moving away from the edge. I just keep proving time and time again at how much of a screw up I am.

I was really looking forward to getting a job I applied for and I had already gotten the phone interview, and they were still interested in me. Last week, I was in the process of setting up a time for my in person interview, but I forgot to call her back. I have a bit of a short term memory loss issue because of my TBI when I was eight, so I have a very strict schedule to help me to remember all the necessary things.

When we went out of town last weekend, it put my schedule out of whack. So, I forgot to call her back. Now it is almost Thursday and I haven’t called her back for a week. I was really looking forward to the job, but I am afraid of being turned down because of my be late. I don’t even know if I have time to meet for an interview anyway. My boss will be out of town till the 24th of this month starting this Sunday. I know… I’m screwed.

I am just so disappointed in myself. No. Not disappointed. Disgusted. The thing that has helped me get my life back is now preventing me from obtaining a livelihood (Keen). When you get a dog, the most frustrating thing that a trainer will ALWAYS point out is that “the dog is not the problem. The handler is.” Your dog will reflect you and your training. 

So, if you go to a person and ask them, “Can you fix my dog?” They will find the problem in the way you are talking to your dog, handling your dog, or the way you are feeling when you are handling the dog. Ugh! I was told the last one in my visit. I was told that I am going to have to stop feeling anxious when he starts acting up. That just makes me want to scream. I got Keen to be specifically trained to help me work through my anxiety problems. He not turning out the way I thought.

I better stop here. My anger is rising as I continue to write. 

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