Less Than…

When my anxiety and other problems began, I began to feel like I am less than. Worthless. Next to nothing. Not because of how other people treat me, but because of how I see myself. I’m ashamed that I can’t handle large crowds or even small one on one meetings. I’m ashamed that my anxiety has gotten so bad that I have to have a dog with me to tell me when my emotions are too high. I’m ashamed that when my emotions get too high, I have a seizure. I’m ashamed that I considered and even tried to end it all.

I am so ashamed that I always take second best. Whether it be letting the person I’m with go first in line, or letting them take the bed and me the floor. Often times you’ll find me cowering in the corner of the room during a social gathering, trying not to be in the way. People always give me the choice of the better option, but I think they feel obligated since I am so crazy in the head that I have to have a service dog. 

I’m probably exaggerating a bit, but this is the way my anxious and depressed mind sees these things. I am constantly punishing myself for ever being, and continuing to be, sick. I think it became a permanent thing when it was revealed that I was planning to take my own life a couple years ago, and my parents were just angry. Saying things like, “How could you even think to do this?” Or, “This is such an evil thing to choose, so don’t do it or you’ll go to hell.”

That response has left me so angry and hurt. So, instead of punishing them, like I did for the first year after my suicidal intent was discovered, I am punishing myself. I think my subconscious has taken it to heart and I am now living my day to day life choosing the second best options…in everything. Even when I’m at home and we only have one slice of my favorite pizza or leftover chicken bog, I choose the chicken bog. 

The guilt is killing me. Which makes it worse when the depression also has an intent to kill me off. Not a great combo, but I will soldier on as I have these past two years. Just continue to feel like I am worthless.

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4 thoughts on “Less Than…

  1. I can really relate to you. I don’t say that my depression is gone; it’s being managed. But I have these days like how you just described and it hurts. I repeat this negative mantra in my head on those bad days, “I’m selfish, I’m stupid.” Over and over. The hardest part is realizing I need to come first and those things aren’t true. Please stay strong, I’m here. (Sorry if I bothered you)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Abigail says:

      You didn’t bother me. 🙂 Thanks for the comment. Now that I think of it, I too seem to repeat it hat negative mantra. I tend to tell people my depression is gone, but it’s not. It’s just in hiding until it can pounce on me and ruin my day.

      Like

      • I don’t think depression ever really leaves. For me, it lays dormant, waiting until a situation happens that isn’t good. I use to self harm as a way to cope with my depression, but I don’t anymore. But when I start feeling depressed, the urge to self harm comes back. It’s just all around awful. But the only thing I could tell you would be fight. Fight the negative thoughts. When that mantra starts, I picture all the times where I felt smart and useful. I try to combat it with some type of positive.

        Liked by 1 person

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