Anxiety/Depression Overload

I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can go to graduation. It is just too hard. Just going so far as the doorway to the school triggers memories that I have been trying so hard to forget. It’s not that I hated high school because of it being too boring or whatever. It was actually devastating because I loved school so much, but it was torn away from me. I spent the majority of my sophomore at home, at the hospital, or in the school office because my brain would just shut down.

I just wish to forget high school, but I can’t. No matter how hard I try, it always comes back to haunt me. I wake up in the middle of the night bawling my eyes out because of a flashback during a dream. I kept up in school. I had straight A’s in every class, but in order for me to accomplish it I had to be completely isolated from… school really. If I was at the school, I was in a room by myself.

After a summer full of extended hospital stays for various reasons, I started my junior year with an episode. The episode sent me in an extremely depressed spiral and I attempt to take my life. I was then put on an online course for through the school and failed every class. No matter how hard I tried. That was when I decided to withdraw from school and prepare to take the GED. It was probably the worst decision I had to make in my life. 

I was so devastated. Unbelievably devastated. I still am. I am still grieving the decision. After that, I pulled away from my friends and kept to myself in my room. The only time I came out was when I had to go to work. The only person that really kept by my side was my bestie K. She came over every Saturday to watch a movie and just socialize with me. No matter how hard I tried to say no to her coming over, she would anyway (She is the one that I through the party for this weekend).

All those times when I would pass out in front of my class and my principal or secretary had to sit with me and wait for it to pass, or carry me to the office, flashback as soon as I step foot in the door. Keen is beginning to hate the school because it is such a high trigger for me. He wants to have a break, but he won’t be getting one. When we fundraised to get Keen, the only people that donated from the school was the secretary, K, and the principal. It really touched me that they did. But then again, I bet you the reason they did is so they wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.

I should probably go to bed… I really had to get this off my chest. This graduation is becoming a bit more ominous as the day gets closer. I really wish I didn’t have to go, but so many people want me there. My mom says it will be good for me, but I think it will have an adverse effect.


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