I find myself in that lonely, dark hole once again. I just don’t understand why this time. I don’t think there was a trigger for this. I don’t feel sad, stressed, or overwhelmed, but I also don’t feel happy. I am just numb. I didn’t get the jobs I applied for, but I’m not disappointed. If I felt anything it would probably be relieved. I didn’t want to make the kind of commitment I would have to with those jobs.
This time, being in that deep dark hole, is actually scaring me. My mind is trailing to thoughts that I swore to never think again. I was grooming today and got frustrated when the dog wouldn’t sit still. I was at the point that I was in tears and I just stood there looking at nothing. My mind was clouding my head with these thoughts. I stood there for five minutes until Keen came up and snapped me out of it.
The thoughts won’t subside. It was like the lock to the gate, that was keeping these dark thoughts at bay, was so worn down that it only took a little tug to break. And now these thoughts are loose with no way to lock them away again. I am terrified that I might follow through with them again. I don’t want to go back there. To that dark time that I have tried so hard to forget.
Frankly, I’m tired. Tired of trying to fight this daily battle with myself. I would rather be fighting some kind of dragon than this invisible thing that hovers over me and criticizes my every move and thought. I keep on going though. I wake up like clock work after a night filled with nightmares, and keep telling myself “Just one more day.” And if that doesn’t work, “Just one more hour.”
I drag myself around doing small chores that make me feel good. I vacuum my floor, or clean my truck, trying not to think of the upcoming wedding. I have an escape. I have my room. I have someone who understands. I have Keen. He is the one that I get out of bed in the morning for. He knows how to help me. Just do it for him.