Alienated

I went to a movie with my group of friends Saturday and was surprised to find that it was not like old times. It didn’t feel like I was hanging with friends. It felt more like I was hanging with my friend’s friends. I was often ignored except by my bestie. I was on the end of the aisle at the movie (for easy escape) and they would just step over me and continue their conversations. 

It didn’t take long for me to feel alienated. I didn’t think about the fact that I have grown up a bit more than them. They are still worried about grades and high school drama, while I’m just trying to make a steady paycheck and surviving social and stressful situations at work. I don’t think they were purposely ignoring me, they just could relate better to their fellow classmates. The only person that made an effort to stay in touch is my bestie. 

In fact, I would have just let us lose touch if it wasn’t for her showing up every water day whether or not I wanted her to. I actually think she is the only reason I stayed sane through some low points. And the times of being lonely, but not wanting to see people. She was stubborn enough to show herself in and make herself comfortable. That’s why I love her. Now she is just a part of the family.

I have so much alone time that I like to plan things. I got this really good idea for a graduation party, but they turned it down because they were already going to be doing something similar for their senior trip. That really hit me in “the feels”. I have already kind of come to terms with the fact that I’m not going back to school, but that hit me hard. I won’t be included in a lot of the adventures my friends are going to be doing. I am going to be sitting in the audience as they go up and get their diplomas. 

I probably won’t even be sitting in the crowd, most likely I will have to leave. I can’t even handle being in the building without having a panic attack. Agh! I don’t know if I can do this. At this point, I don’t even want to hear about it. I don’t want to think about it… I better end this post here because Keen is alert me like crazy and I think this is the cause.

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