I feel as if I relapsed. I was doing so well after I passed my GED both mentally and physically. I could actually see that I had a future. That I am not a high school drop out, I am an early graduate. I am not alone, I have friends all around me that I all I need to do is call or text.
But ever since my panic attack at work, my positive out look has slowly dimished. My confidence is very VERY small. My people skills are now just awkward. My cousin is in town and she looks up to me. She says I’m her hero and I don’t want to destroy that. I know this is my anxious mind talking, but I’m afraid that she will find me weak. Just writing this out makes me feel stupid.
AAGH! Why does my brain have to be so cruel by having half my brain bullying the other? At least that’s what it feels like. Now sleeping can’t shut it off, so I find myself to be less willing to go to bed. I just know that my fears will creep into my dreams and turning it into a nightmare. I have been having a lot of those dreams where you can’t get rid of. Those nightmares where you can’t quite wake up from them even if you have crawled out bed and trying to distract yourself.
I was so looking forward to my future career too. My dad is wanting to start a business with me where we train dogs to detect bed bugs. He went to a big conference in Chicago and came back less than encouraged to continue with out idea. I so badly want to go to college because of the fact that I was cheated of my previous academic career. But that is not too terribly affordable these days.
This is turning a bit into a rant. I am just feeling really discouraged. No it’s not a just kind of feeling, actually. It is extremely complicated and confusing to the point that I don’t know my mind anymore. To the point where I don’t know if I want to do this. Not again. I don’t want to be so unstable to the point where Keen can’t figure me out anymore. Not again.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I am eighteen years old and I have found out that my mom has been fighting a few of my battles behind the scenes. I had absolutely no idea and I don’t want to always rely on people to fight for me. I want to be independent. That was the whole reason I got Keen. So that I can conquer life by myself just like everybody else.
Agh! I just… I am going to stop using the word “just.” Nothing is “just” anything anymore. I think I have said that word enough times for it to lose all meaning… Ok. Coping mechanism is kicking in. Avoidance. Um I think I’m going to leave it at whatever I left this post at. Which is most likely a rant, but oh well. It’s my current thoughts.