So I have mentioned before that I have severe PTSD when I am riding or driving in a car. I set a doctors appointment and they prescribed sleep… Which meant sleeping pills. They thought that it would get better if I just got more sleep. Well I have been getting sleep and it’s not much better.
After the doctors appointment I felt very ashamed about my PTSD and my inability to so much as sit in a car. So, I began to hide it. Before I would viably shake and have constant flashbacks and start crying. I have resorted to using every fiber in my body to keep my panic attacks under wraps as best I could.
My parents stopped dreading going anywhere with me, and siblings don’t look at me like I am weird and messed up in the head (although that’s half right). The only thing is that now I grind my teeth, get stomach aches, and still have flashbacks. The difference is that the flashbacks aren’t quite so vivid. Meaning that the flashbacks cause me to have tunnel vision instead of going completely blind.
As crazy as this may seem, having these physically pains from my PTSD is worth not being looked down on. My family doesn’t understand what is going onin my head, so I don’t bother trying to explain. I am sorry to say that I am ashamed of my flashbacks and my constant suppositions while I sit in this tin box.
I was kind of proud of myself because I didn’t actually pay attention to the stigma against mental illness, but I actually do. I can talk openly about my anxiety induced seizures because people can understand due to it being something they can see. But when it comes to my PTSD and depression, I keep it hidden. The only living thing knows and understands what I am going through is Keen.
He is always there to make sure that we get home safe. He is always able to let me know that I need to pull over and let me hold him. He understands that this is a constant battle and that I need someone to lean on occasionally. He is my wingman when I’m out on coffee dates. Always able to give me an excuse to leave and gather myself.
You know what the best thing is? He will never judge me.