Sleep is one of the many things I don’t get because as soon as I lay my head down on my pillow (with the intent of sleep), my brain switches to overdrive. I begin thinking about everything that had happened that day and then break it all down. But not with the intent your thinking. It is to find every flaw in my decisions I made. 

To exaggerate it to such an extent that I believe that my decision to have eggs for breakfast is the reason that I showed up late to work. It is not the kind of exaggeration that makes you feel powerful or paranoid, but to feel terrible about yourself. To leave yourself doubting every decision you make. Which makes you afraid to make decisions.

You then begin to go over every possible future tomorrow may hold. Reminding yourself to do this and that (Which is the reason I now have a pen and notebook by my bed). This thinking begins as a “just checking” situation, but escalates into a panic. Fearing what will happen tomorrow. Fearing that something that you can’t handle will occur.

So, you are left lying in bed… Anxious and afraid. Not at the monsters under your bed (Although that occasionally comes up), but at what lies ahead. You lie there for hours staring at the little stream of light coming through the curtains from the street, until you finally blink and realize the sun has not come up yet. You still have time to prepare. You still have time to predict every possible future.

Eventually, the sun does come up, and you have to fight the urge to stay in bed and let the day pass you by. But you won’t. You will get up and find you forgot one possibility that you haven’t prepared for. Which will crush your confidence and leave you stumbling through the day. But as soon as bedtime rolls around, you tell yourself you will be more prepared, and start the process all over again.


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