Woo… I haven’t written in a while. Sorry bout that. I was kind of stuck in a rut. I’m really not sure if I’m out of it yet really. For the past week or so, my anxiety has reared its ugly head. My PTSD has gotten REALLY bad. Youth group at our church has started and I went to the first two meetings. But I couldn’t force myself to go this week.
For a 17 year old girl who doesn’t go to school and has a job where she works with NO people, it was a big sacrifice. I cannot stand the drive. After ten minutes, I feel as if I’m going to explode. I start shaking and seeing things at the corner of my eyes that I think are deer. I then start hyperventilating but it sounds more like air being let out of a balloon.
It is dark on the drive back and I can’t stand being out past dark. My flashbacks are worse and the anxiety level is through the roof. I don’t go out at night if I can help it. Anyways, by the time we get home, I am falling to pieces. Keen is going crazy with alerting me and so I run straight to my room, shut the sorr, and try to calm down. It never works which causes me to go into an episode and being done for the night.
Youth group is the ONLY socializing I get. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a big person on socializing. But when you spend all your time talking to yourself or dogs, you might like some human interaction. The only thing is that youth group is not exactly anxiety free. I still have to deal with people wanting to touch and talk to my dog.
So the group is a third adults and two thirds teens. The only people I have trouble with talking and touching my dog are the adults. The first time, there was a lady that came up and wanted to know his name and I told her (that was my first mistake, I should have used his alias). She then called him and talked to him. A few minutes later, a girl my age came and ASKED if she could pet him and I said no because he was working. A boy bent down to touch him and she told him what I told him.
The second time I went, I had to step out because Keen was alerting me. When I went in again, the chairs had been rearranged so I had to go across the front to get to my seat. As I was walking, the lady I had trouble with started yelling, “Oh look at him! He is such a good boy!” He was just walking. He gave her a “what an idiot” look.
About ten minutes later, something comes crashing down behind me and I started to panic. So, Keen climbed up on my lap and began licking me on the face. The same lady turns around and yells, “Keen! What a bad boy!” I didn’t know what to do at the time. I was kind of shocked. I really wanted to snap back with a comment like, “It was not him and stop talking to my dog! He’s working!” Or something, but I took the road I thought was best and kept quiet. I so wish I hadn’t.
When worship was over, the group leader walked by Keen and I and he said, “Oh! I didn’t know there was a dog in here! I love dogs!” And he grabbed Keen’s face and started scratching him with his face in Keen’s. Yeah, Keen was NOT a big fan of that. He began growling and I kind of stepped between them. I kept quiet yet again. I kind of wished Keen had snapped at him.
This is turning out to be quite a long post. And I still have more to say. But I won’t. This is probably really boring. So, to sum it up, the past couple of weeks have been full of ups and downs. I’m not quite sure if it was good, but it was good experience. I know what I should do if I am ever in those kind of situations again. As I am sure I will be.