Anxiety

It is 10 pm. I’m sitting in bed and I can’t turn my mind off tonight. I recently spoke to a friend of my mom’s and she says how she can’t sleep at night unless she takes her meds. She will be up all night emailing herself reminders.

I kind of laugh to myself. I have so many reminder apps on my iPad. I set them to alert me at a certain time BEFORE I have to do the task. At 9 and 10 every morning, my pad explodes with numerous reminders. I read them then close, read it then close, read and close, until I read them all. 

It got me thinking. The main reason I have such trouble sleeping at night is because I’m afraid of the future. I am afraid of what could happen when I wake up in the morning if I don’t prepare for it. So I set all these reminders to put my mind at ease so that I can finally get some proper sleep. Sad, but true.

It also got me thinking about a common response I get when I tell someone I’m anxious. “You don’t need to be anxious about going to the store. I mean what’s the worst thing could happen? Someone not liking you so they glare at you?” Hell no! I can think of so many other things that are worse than that that could happen. They may not be realistic, but there is no reasoning with my anxiety.

So yes, I will have you enter the building before I do. I will let you pass me in line. Heck, I may even have you say hello to this person we know first. You were going to do it anyways, why not have you do it sooner? You don’t need to give me a demeaning look and ask me sarcastically, “What? Do you think there is going to be a masked man with a chainsaw on the other side of the door?”

You know what? Thank you. You have made my day easier. I am now adding a whole other list to my anxious suppositions. In fact, I don’t think I will be able to get myself out of the car at the next place. I am not going to ask you to take me home, because I don’t want to be rude. But I won’t be able to be of much help being confined to the car.

I don’t understand why people have to ask questions, or make rude assumptions. Your comments do not make my day better. I don’t think they would make your day much better if I said them to you, quite frankly.

“Don’t take what other people say to heart so much. Let it roll off like water on a duck’s back.”

I am not taking it to heart. It takes a detour to my brain. My brain does as it wishes and expands its unrealistic knowledge and forces me to believe it. Believe it to such an extent that it’s debilitating. And I won’t be able to wipe my memory for some time. I have to wipe my memory (or at least try) because that is the only way to stop it. The only way for me to have a “good” day.

Yes. My unrealistic knowledge was fed quite a bit today. The reason for my late night and restless mind.

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4 thoughts on “Anxiety

  1. This is exactly exactly EXACTLY how I feel. I relate so so much.
    Especially with
    1.
    “Hell no! I can think of so many other things that are worse than that that could happen. They may not be realistic, but there is no reasoning with my anxiety.”
    Literally no reasoning with my anxiety EVER, everyday feels like hell. Literal hell.
    And 2.
    “I don’t understand why people have to ask questions, or make rude assumptions. Your comments do not make my day better. I don’t think they would make your day much better if I said them to you, quite frankly.

    “Don’t take what other people say to heart so much. Let it roll off like water on a duck’s back.”

    I am not taking it to heart. It takes a detour to my brain. My brain does as it wishes and expands its unrealistic knowledge and forces me to believe it. Believe it to such an extent that it’s debilitating. And I won’t be able to wipe my memory for some time. I have to wipe my memory (or at least try) because that is the only way to stop it. The only way for me to have a “good” day.”
    Every single word and feeling described in those paragraphs is what I say and feel every single day. Today I’ve even had my phone off for the past 10hours and will keep it off for the whole weekend because honestly I’m shucking . NB my phone is NEVER off in life .

    P.S so sorry to hear that you share such a horrible life of suffering and turmoil with me . I’m so sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

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