Wanting to Forget

I don’t know about you all, but I sometimes want to forget things. Well, I’m pretty sure just about everybody would rather forget embarrassing moments and stuff. I do of course, but my brain is starting to use it as a coping mechanism.

I have been keeping my episodes under conrol. The only thing is that since then, my brain has started to wipe certain events from my memory. For instance, my trip I went on last weekend. It was apparently very traumatizing. I don’t know what about it that made it that way, but I find that I don’t remember very much of it and I don’t even want to say what the trip was.

It is like I am avoiding anything to do with it. Except that it is to such a high degree that my brain has decided that it is so traumatizing, that I won’t/can’t remember it. I do get a rotten feeling every time I think about it or someone mentions it, but there aren’t memories to look back on. Just memories of feelings. 

The really devastating part is that two of my friends are triggers. That is one of the main reasons I couldn’t finish the movie Saturday is because I saw one of them. When I saw her, the feelings hit me like a needle popping a ballon. I was trapped. I couldn’t stop it so I kept walking past her, but my brother guilted me into talking to her. I used the excuse to potty Keen and that’s when he wouldn’t let me back inside.

I have had my brain wipe my memory before. Usually social events gone wrong, but also tests or even my time in school. There were only three people that really knew what was going on with me during the school year. My gym teacher, Ms. Jones, my principle, Mr. Moore, and the school secretary, Mrs. Grievous. I always had two or three episodes a day that would last a half hour or more. 

Even now I just can’t handle the rotten feeling just thinking about it. I don’t remember most of what happened during my sophomore year. It was hell. I was miserable. I wanted so badly to be in school, and everybody thought I was using the episodes to get out of going to school. AAGH! Let’s just say that it was bad enough that I’ve accepted the gift of not remembering. But the feelings are still there.

Yes. I have to revisit these feelings often because it’s not like I can have my siblings not talk about school. They live at school for the majority of the day. I don’t know how this year is going to go, but I have a feeling that it is going to involve lots of alone time.

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