It’s just one of those days…

I have been keeping my depression behind me for a good while lately. That is until today. I haven’t really cried in a while, I’ve thought about it, but never did. But today is just one of those days…

One of those days when you have come to realize what you have done. When you realize that you checked your little brother into high school this week. To a place that you will probably never set foot in again. Where you got straight A’s despite everything that was going on. A place that got taken from you because of your stupid anxiety.

One of those days when you realize that you are basically a high school drop out. You still haven’t taken your HiSET because you have been waiting for accommodations. And you need the accommodations because of your stupid anxiety. Then find out that these past four months of waiting were for nothing because the letter of recommendation never got through to them.

One of those days when you go to apply for a scholarship so that you might be able to go to college. But can’t put down your level of academics because you are just a high school drop out that hasn’t taken their HiSET. All because of your stupid anxiety.

One of those days when you remember that you had to step out of the movie theater to potty your service dog. Then you open the door to go back to the auditorium and your dog won’t let you. You try to calm yourself down because you really want to finish the movie, but to no avail. He won’t let you enter the building, so you text you siblings and tell them that you are going home because of your stupid anxiety.

Just one of those days when you just can’t put on your mask. So, you stay in your room and wait for tomorrow. 

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3 thoughts on “It’s just one of those days…

  1. I know I can’t help. I know telling you “Don’t worry, it gets better” is worthless. I know there’s nothing from where you stand but to get through it, working through, moment by moment. It sucks, and it’s hard.

    But let me leave you with this. I dropped out of school in my senior year. I was 17 when I stopped going to classes. I couldn’t go because my stupid anxiety. I swore I’d take the GED, since the HiSET wasn’t yet a thing. Then I decided to go to an adult program to get my diploma, because it’s worth more. I was told a GED wouldn’t be good enough. I went to the orientation. I couldn’t go. Stupid anxiety.

    Year after year, it was always something. I went through hell and back. I swore I would never make it. I would never pass the test. It was too frightening. It was something that stood in my way forever. Stupid anxiety.

    I’m now in my thirties, and last year I finally did it. I took my HiSET. I did it without accommodations (which I don’t recommend). I started college the following month, without accommodations (and trust me, don’t make that mistake!) Yes, I’ve already dropped out of college, and failed my summer classes, but that’s because I didn’t have accommodations. You’re already leaps and bounds ahead of me because you’re working on your accommodations.

    What I’m getting at here, it’s never too late to go back and get your HiSET taken care of. It’s never too late to go to college. Take the time you have now to make sure you do it the right way (unlike me) and appreciate that you’ve got that choice. Yes, your stupid anxiety stands in your way, but take it from someone who’s been there, once you get past that, you accomplish your goal, the victory tastes that much sweeter. You can scream “Screw you, anxiety! I did it anyway!” And it just proves even more what you’re capable of. You’ve got more challenges in front of you than the average high school student that just suffers a little bit of stress, so overcoming it is that much greater. Be gentle with yourself, because you’re working harder than you give yourself credit for.

    Liked by 1 person

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