Everyone keeps telling me that my trip has changed me. That I seem more confident and happier. I do feel different, more confident for sure, but not happier. I am willing to do things I would not have done two weeks ago. For example, I ordered pizza, by phone.
I hate talking on the phone. As soon as I answer it, I am giving short answers and trying to make it end as soon as possible. Leaving me not knowing what the person just said. Even if it is my parents. I can also not seem to hear the person on the phone. In other words, my phone ringing is a trigger for immediate anxiety. Anyways, I did order pizza… Successfully.
As for the being happier, I’m not. The trip has caused me to perfect my “fake it till you make it” act. As I have said before, the family I visited remember me as the person I was last summer. The girl who was ready to give up because her anxiety got the best of her. Well, I am still riddled with anxiety, but I now have a tool to help me work through it.
In other words, I did have to “fake it till I make it” for our entire trip. Now I’m so used to it that I just don’t turn it off. The only problem is that me holding it all in is the reason for my plummet last year. Keen has been working double time since we got back.
I really want to tell someone that I’m struggling, but I don’t want them to react in a… severe manner. I just want them to listen. Not to react at all really… Although I have a feeling that’s not a chance. Therefore, I’m keeping it inside till further notice.