Not again…

For the past two weeks, I have found myself in a depressive state. My sisters graduation is on Sunday and I just don’t think I can handle it. I loved being in school. I loved everything from the socialization down to the homework. It’s been a whole year now that I have not attended school. My friends are doing sports and speech and drama. Pretty much everything I wish I could be doing. 

Every time we go to a concert or something, I end up having to leave. I just can’t handle the grief. It’s sounds kind of silly. A teenager is grieving for school, but I have been deprived of a school environment many times due to me be homeschool every other year.

My sister and my mom went to go tour the college she is going to and tells me about it. I am psyched to go to college. I WANT to go to college. Then I remember that I haven’t gotten my HiSET taken and I am going to have to wait another whole year to go. I think I can just work and save money for college as I work. But the more I work at my job, the more I hate it and find that I just can’t handle the anxiety.

My parents make fun of me and blow me off when I say I can’t do anything in the morning because I’m working at 4. They don’t understand that doing a simple thing like cleaning up after pets is extremely stressful to me. I don’t even have a reason to be anxious, but I am and would sometimes rather show up to quit. I have wanted to do that so many times, but my parents say that would be stupid. “Your job isn’t even hard. I mean, heaven forbid, you are going to have to talk to somebody! If you had a job like your father’s, then that would be a good reason.”

They don’t understand that I also have been diagnosed with social anxiety and talking to someone is my worst nightmare! I often lay awake at night and think about how easy it would be to just stop doing everything…

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