This feeling is scary to me. I have felt it many times during my life, but I will never get “used” to it. I feel as if my mind is unable to focus on anything else, especially at night. The only time I’m not thinking about it, is if I forcibly sidetrack myself. I could never have this feeling again if I was taking my medications, but we are in able to keep up with the finances.
What is keeping me… Well… What’s causing me to keep waking up in the morning?
I find that if I make a commitment, it will be unlikely for me to break it. For instance, if I schedule a groom the next day, I will probably still do it even if I’d rather die (literally). So, I keep making small commitments. Do that, I find that my mind has started to plan after the summer. So, when the time comes, I will continue making commitments.
I cleaned my room for when family came for my sister’s graduation. I keep finding academic awards and ribbons from races. Then I fall deeper into the deep, dark hole that I’m finding extremely difficult to find my way out of. I feel as if I have lost. You know when you lose a board game and everyone runs it in your face? And then you say something like you meant to lose?
Well I am finding it very difficult to come up with an excuse. Being your own worst enemy is absolutely exhausting. You know all of your tricks. I know that I am not thinking clearly, but it’s not that easy to just turn it off. Not now.