Grr…

Do you ever do something or prepare for something and you start out thinking “Heck! This will be a breeze!” Like preparing for a race, getting your drivers license, or whatever else? And you start wishing you could just get it over with?

Yeah, well I am really wishing I could get my HiSET over with! When I started, I took the practice test and the lady said it was going to be quite difficult. To begin with, I loved school! I loved everything about it. My peers, the teachers, the learning, the homework, and the competition. I thrive on competition! I think that’s why I like running so much, because I get to compete independently. What competition is there in school? Well the teachers are always giving you a challenge. “You better get ready for the test! It’s going to be really hard. This may be the hardest one this semester.”

The competition is what kept me afloat. What made me stay up late, or pass an invitation to hang with friends so that I could study. I wanted to prove that I could do it. That I wasn’t just average. All my life I had decent grades, but my freshman and sophomore year, I was determined to get perfect grades. And I did. I got straight A’s for the whole year, even though I wasn’t there to be taught how to accomplish the lesson.

I think that was partly why my disorder got so bad my sophomore year. Because I was pushing myself so hard to be “perfect.” And I wasn’t doing it all because I wanted to prove to my teachers or parents, but rather to prove to myself I wasn’t worthless. Yes, I struggle with self-confidence just like any other teenager in this world. My grades were proof that I don’t have to be average, I can be “perfect.”

Anyways… I’m getting off topic. With my HiSET I don’t have the competition, the drive, the make me succeed. Go above and beyond. It seems as if the longer the test is postponed the more of a failure I feel like… I begin to do my “what if”ing and dig myself into a hole. What if I don’t do the social studies part of the test well enough? What if I don’t pass? What if I end up having to take it again? What if I don’t get a high enough score so that I won’t be able to go to college when the time comes around? What if I forget the stuff that I’ve learned and will need to use on the test?

I look at these fifth grade level worksheets that I’ve done correctly. And then I think about how I did on the test. I begin telling myself that, yes, I didn’t do quite as good a job as I wanted. But, then again, I have made a lot of progress on the math and reasoning part of the test. I did well on the writing and reading part of the test. Now all I need to do is work on science and social studies.

I try to psych myself out by telling myself that if I was able to make through geography AND world history with flying colors, this will be SO easy. But then I sit and ponder that statement, and after a while, the supposing comes back…

So, I REALLY want to get this test over with before… Oh I don’t know… I won’t be willing to take the test? I don’t know, but I do know one thing for certain. I would rather be running a marathon that I didn’t prepare for, that’s for sure.

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